Thanks--Giving

Thanksgiving is a great American holiday and should be treated like that until the end of time. However it means a bit more to me and it's never a grand ole feast.

It's been 6 years since I moved back from L.A. to Chicago. It was the hardest decision in my life at the time and it still something I obviously haven't been able to let go of. Thanksgiving was difficult and there were things happening around me that I was unaware of and was completely confused about. My family being big and strong kept me at ease and I never suffered any serious emotional damage, but maybe a few nicks and scratches. The events that occured with at first were hurtful and painful but I later realized that it was for the best. Looking back now, I see that there was a reason for me to stay in Chicago and not go back to L.A. Those thoughts still stay with me and I try to push them away, kill them, bury them. But they linger and will abruptly show up in a state of unconsciousness.

I don't fear these thoughts, these choices, these lingering ideas. I simply want to move on and I feel like I can't. I feel like there is something not just holding me back but waiting for me to let go of it. Taking the next step to a level in which I can pursue all these things I know are so right for me. I try to put on a song and dance around this time but it just feels so damn hard too. I want to just skip right over and on to the next. But I can't, I must stand up and face these days until the next. What I feel, what I think, what I know about this time is it's just damn fucking hard!