Councilman Wants to Ban all FUN Activity in Downtown Naperville

Councilman Wants to Ban All FUN Activity in Downtown Naperville

By Trevor A. Keveloh

Naperville Councilman Joshua Burnside is now asking the Naperville committee to, "ban all FUN activities because having FUN leads to murder." Burnside has been affiliated with the Naperville council for over two decades now, starting out as a errand boy in the Mayor's office where he was recently quoted in saying, "I saw a lot of stuff going on back in the 80's I am not willing to discuss. I don't talk about my own personal affairs back then with the women of the night or the bumps I use to pop, that's not for you to know."  Naperville has been under a microscope lately as there have been three fires in a span of a few weeks, all within 2 miles of each other, that are, "not connected." A tragic accident left 2 dead and 1 alive, the driver, of a car drove into the Naperville Quarry. Even last week a video of a Winfield man, Woodridge man and Downers Grove man went viral as they fought in street at the intersection of Jefferson and Washington. The fight resembled something out of ever famous, "Whiteboys Gone Wild," videos which are a hit in the southern portion of New Zealand. "The problem we are having here in the downtown Naperville area is too much FUN. People come down here to have FUN and that's fine, but having FUN has it's consequences. Getting wrapped up in the wrong crowd happens a lot with teens and twenty-somethings. We saw a terrible gang epidemic occur in the 90's with the Deuces, Felix Deuces and TVO's," Mayor Jorge Praydoll recently stated at an, "Anti-FUN Fundraiser." Burnside was the right-hand man of Praydoll in organizing this fundraiser which raised over $175,000 from Naperville residents who are, "sick and tired of all the FUN things in that over-populated NaperVegas." The city recently spent $436,000 in tax payer money to start an optional education course which will help provide information on families in Naperville and families considering moving to Naperville on how to, "have FUN in your own home, with your own family, on your own time." Between the $175K and the $436K, the Naperville board also issued a statement recently that their entire office would be closed for a week while they, "head to an island to do some soul searching." 

Local business owner Alhambra Chivato has been a part of the small business owner council since 1997 and he had a lot to say about all the new laws and regulations Naperville is trying to institute and enforce. "I no like. I need work and money for kids and food. I no like." Chivato, was not alone in his long-winded statements about what Naperville needs to do to be more fair to the small businesses. Chicago native now NEAR-Naperville bar owner Kris Richards was caught on camera in a rant about how to make this fair for everyone. "Now, now ya see guys, it's not about the people or the kids or the adults or the fires or the cars or the drugs. Now ya see, it's not about that, it's about having a place like MY PLACE that is somewhere that has good food, good service and an amazing owner like myself. People come to MY PLACE because they like how clean and friendly everyone is. Ya we have a "VIP" room with leather couches from the 90s that most of my staff have slept on and/or had sex on. Ya our kitchen smells like our toilets. Ya my entire staff is paid cash under the table. But that's besides the point. I provide a place that is a different kind of FUN and easy going. I'm not like those damn NAPERVILLE bars, making money and having FUN and playing that devil music. My place generates close to $1200 a week in sales! That's something you can tell your kids about and be proud about."

Before Burnside left for his sabbatical to the islands with the rest of the Naperville council, we were able to get a few more valuable piece of information from him on the subjects. "I know people come to the downtown Naperville area to have this FUN I keep hearing, but that's going to stop. Jesus didn't intend people to have FUN like this, this is the devils work. Do you really know what FUN stands for? It stands for Frequently Urinating Naked, that's right and that's NOT what Naperville is about. We are a wonderful community of people of all races, creeds and colors that enjoy a very clean and mildly diverse culture focused on European descents. We don't want those gangbangers coming into our Five Guys, drunk off of $5 buckets and raising havoc amongst OUR people. They should go back to where they came from and stay there. And don't get me started on those, those FILTHY kids from Derners Grave or whatever it's called past route 53, I can't even imagine going that far east for anything." We later asked Burnside his opinion on the blatant, "swingers clubs and reckless cocaine use amongst the professionals of Naperville." He declined to answer.