Hurt

Well... I wasnt sure if I ever wanted to write one of these, but after watching a video a friend shared on Facebook, I really thought about it... I am writing about domestic violence... This is not going to be comical or satire, well there may be some typical Trevor wording, but overall, this is a way for me to get over what I have personally been through as an adult...


I recently only thought that I was a victim of domestic violence but I started to realize, it went further. The year I went thru was not only physical abuse but mental, emotional and ultimately it turned into psychological. Physical abuse will always turn into those other three, it just happens. No matter how big, strong, male dominating you are, you will go thru those types of hurt. Whether you are strong enough to acknowledge, accept, forgive and move on is completely up to you. Not everyone is able to do that, we aren't all strong enough to look at ourselves in the mirror and say we were torn apart by one person, or in some cases, multiple people. But you can.

My personal situation started early and never really ended. I had never been through this in my life with a partner so I was kind of new to this shit. Being in my mid 30's I really had thought I dodged that bullet; nope. But I let it happen because of the following 3 forms of abuse that come after that, (mental, emotional and psychological) People that go about this world and are serial abusers have some issue with a loved one they are acting out on. Some wait until they are drunk, some do it sober, some just dont care and do it whenever they feel like its necessary. I firmly believe that people CAN change but thats only if they truly want too. I am not the same man I was at the age of 21. I have grown, experienced and lived an amazing life. The problem is that when the abuser thinks they do not have a problem and start deflecting their issues onto you, this is where it becomes not only a maturity case, but a personality case. If this person is strong enough to take full responsibility for their own actions, apologize to all they hurt and get help and become a better person, then kudos to that person, that is pure strength!

My case was different yet the same. I being the man, much bigger, stronger and older, you'd expect me to be the abuser but I wasn't. My situation lasted the entire relationship, about a year and the abuse never stopped. The absolute worst part about it was that I began to succumb to those demons of the relationship. I began to turn into a raging monster. I began to yell, scream, to rage, but never once, to hit her. Thats were I felt something inside of me from childhood stopping me, something that wouldnt let me do that. To know how much that shit hurts, I knew in the midst of the rage that it wasnt right. So I skipped the physical abuse and began playing mental games towards her. I did what she did to me because I was so fawkn goddamn hurt, I wanted her to feel what I felt, so I did stupid immature shit to make her feel just a shred of the pain I felt when she hurt me, when she hit me, when she lied to me and degraded me, when she cheated on me. Getting a rise out of her was my way of getting back at her for literally beating the shit out of me. When those times happened, I did what I know to do, I ran. At first I didn't think I should run, I thought that handling the situation was the best thing, but that only left me in the arms of the abuser. You cannot reason with someone who is that drunk or raging that much, so its better to walk away, which I eventually did. But those first few times I didnt and good lord were they awful. I dont feel like getting into details about those events so I wont, but I can assure you that they took a serious toll on my mental state of mind. How could someone who claimed to have loved me so much, hurt me so much in every way possible? I just didnt get it. I didnt understand why or how this was happening. Im a smart guy, I know people quite well, but this shit was beyond me because I never really knew this person, even up until the day I finally released her from me emotionally, the day I told her it was FINALLY over, the day I made the choice to disconnect and move on, I never knew who this person was, which finally made sense. She didnt know who she was either.

I began to run away from these incidents when they came up. It was usually a late night argument about the most worthless things that snowballed into a fight that eventually turned into her putting her hands on me. I couldnt have this after what she was already going thru with the cops and courts, so I would literally run out of my own apartment and call a friend(s) in the area and hangout with them until the storm had passed. But I always had to face the music in the morning and the saddest part about that was that it began to be a joke with her. I was being attacked and abused and she would practically chalk it up as a joke at times. But it got to the point where I became a monster to her. I began to say shit and fight with her over the lies and cheating. I would rarely, if ever, start any fight. If I did it was because I couldnt handle the lies and cheating anymore, so I would lash out and those feelings that were held deep inside of me from the first couple of incidents which were by far the worst of all of them. I kept that shit bottled up and I never knew how to deal with it. So I would start fights and that shit would come out and as always, she would lie about it. I even caught her red-handed lying and cheating, but she always found an excuse on why or how I am the crazy one. Deflection.

I speak freely about what happened to me in that year long abuse. I joke about it, I am serious about it, I bring it up in passing because thats how I deal with it. Some people cant, some people can, its not in my place to tell you how to handle your shit, but this is how I do. I write, I discuss, I listen to other people and in doing that, I really hope I have helped someone get over their shit. I have some family and a handful of friends that helped me thru those times, you know who you are, and I thank you. But it took a lot of time after ending that disaster to really start to look at myself and realize that it hurt me more than I thought. I look at it now and I can kind of laugh about it but at that same time, boy do I feel bad for her. She may never get help or think she doesnt need it and its going to ruin many relationships and friendships to come, but thats her own choice as an "adult." I have been strong enough to take the steps to move on, to forgive her in my own ways and to know that not all people are like this. I am too smart and too strong to think that they are all bad or they are all whores or they are all this or that. There are plenty of good ones out there. For now, its not about that, for now its all about me living my life again, enjoying the things I missed out on last summer, gaining new friends and memories and moving towards my goal.

To whoever decided to read this, if you have ever been the victim of domestic abuse, you can comment as much as you'd like on this site. We can discuss your issues all you'd like. If you have been the abuser and would like help or would like to discuss why you do what you do, you can do the same. The last thing I want is for someone reading this to think they cant talk about it. Unload. Be strong. Be free.