Jesus' Birthday Week N Shit

It's Jesus' bday week which means a lot of corporate people will be off and a lot of hospitality people will be working extra hours to make those important peoples days off more exciting since we all cant stand extended family for too long, so lets talk about Jesus and what he usually does on his bday week...

From what I know, on the 23rd he goes out and shops a lil. Sometimes he grabs a few drinks or roadies or both and gets some shit done. Then he goes home, naps, wakes up, showers (always has a beer in the shower like a good lil boy) then eats and heads out for the night for a Freindsgiving/Gift exchange thing at a bar. Jesus is usually chill about it until midnight and then he gets all twentysomething girl-ish and is like "O MA GAWWWD, its my birthday eve... SHAWTZ!!!" And starts buyin rounds and rounds of blackhaus for the bar. He is usually at a smaller bar so its cheaper and less people and the only people to show up for gift exchange are his close friends aka professional drinkers. When its last call he usually bums a ride home or cabs it cuz, well, who wants to get a DUI on their bday eve?

Its now Xmas eve daytime and Jesus is a but hungover. He cooks himself a flight of pancakes and some maple syrup and dabbles in some scrambie eggs and powers down a big glass of milk after all that food. Food coma hits and he takes a nap. Jesus will wake up around 4pm and make a small pot of coffee to get going again, jumps in the shower with a beer and gets ready for his bday eve... He then gets out and throws a lil Jamo up in dar and loosens up a bit. After hangin alone at his crib, havin some celebratory alone drinks, its time to round up the party people and hit the few bars open...

Its about 8pm and everyone is at his buddy Moses' having drinks and shots and gettin ready to celebrate the bday eve. All of the disciples show up but they are kinda cheap so they bring a case of Natty Ice to split for everyone, thankfully most of the people at the pre party have taste and bring bottles of liquor, coors lights, some craft beer and other shit like wine and egg nog with rum. So everyone gets a nice foundation of buzz on and of course, all drive to the local bar. Thats where shit gets weird. Anytime you goto a bar on a holiday you see the most "eclectic" group of people you will see all year. Thankfully this bar is in a decent area but with a high level of twentysomethings which means a bunch of drunk girls with daddy issues gettin PLOWED off Rumpleminze; SCORE! So Jesus and his crew post up at a well and just start raging like its NYE but its not, its Jesus eve bday shit so yea. They binge drink, powering down everything from Vegas bombs, jamo, rumpys, fireball, jagerbombs, jager up, and by midnight, Jesus looks like Sammy Davis Jr all one eye all cock-eyed lookin the wrong way all night. So at midnight, Moses is completely SHIT-HAUSED so he askes his brother Aaron to do the speech for him since he cant really talk. Aaron, who is a quite sober and coherent does the ole... "To Jesus and to lying, cheating, stealing and drinking... If you are going to lie, lie for your friends, if you are going to cheat, cheat death, if you are going to steal, steal a woman's heart and if you are going to drink, drink with me.." Everyone raises their shots of Crown in the air and pound it down.. At this point it doesnt even matter what anyone is drinking and shit, most people are close to blackie or are already blackie and of course, Jesus is one fireball away from soiling himself, however maintains a level of awesomeness and is totally makin out with one of the daddy-issued rumpleminze skanks... Last call is called, another round of shots is out and then the lights go up...At this point in the night, the ONLY person in the bar that is remotely sober is Aaron and thats becuz he promised his broham Moses hed stay sober enough to give the speech. Aaron is now pantless, in his daygo tee, flexing for the waitresses who are all drunk and shoving singles down his xmas undies. The bartender/manager is mildly faded but still sober enough to get everyone out of the bar in due time. Magically, that bartender was smart enough to arrange a fleet of cabs earlier in the night for these fawkz to get home safley in which they do.

Today is Jesus birthday... Hung as shit, no one wants to move or do anything at all, especially cook, so they order $173.67 worth of delivery Chinese food. "O ma ga, you eat dat much, u betta be real" says Chinaman on the phone. Moses gives them his credit card number and says "there a fawkn go dood, and well tip that fawker fat cash if it gets here SOON." Then he hears, "OK, OK, fiteen, tweeny minet," low and heold 17mins later the doorbell rings and there's a chinaman at the door, sweating, holding bags and bags of food. All crooked eyed, Moses starts handing bags to the disciples and they walk them to the kitchen table. Moses looks at the derivery guy and is like "what?" He was just waiting for a tip and of course Aaron has to come over and is like, "here ya go bub, merry xmas," and hands the dood a hundo. So they all monge and then pass out again.

3 pm rolls around and they are all waking up off the sofas, ground, basement and shit whatever, spare rooms and shit. Thankfully there are 3 showers so everyone gets ready to go out for Jesus bday. 645PM rolls around and everyone is already buzzed, except Jesus, he snuk away and got a lil too high and ended up passing out on the porch. So they wake the birthday boy up and just violently shove stoli/redbulls down his throat like some shit out of the movie "a clockwork orange." Moses, half in the bag now, stumbles over and is like, "OK OK, let the dood enjoy this shit and his fawkn bday.. GAAAAAWD!" So the boys pull themselves together and find a different bar to goto on Xmas night. These assholes still have their cars at the other bar, so they just all cab it over. The show up in the bar and it's like the scene in the movie Casino where Pesci is at the casino and you hear the song "whip it" by Devo in the background... A bunch of semi-drunk goons ready to RAGE for homie Jesus' bday, they post up and start RIPPING fawkn grape bombs, shit they went thru 2 bottles in the first 35mins of being there that the bartender was like "DOOD, you guys gotta slow down." Moses already actin like a drunk fawkn asshole starts to mouth off and then Aaron steps in and is like, "YO, its cool man. We are all cabbin it, no one will get out of hand and shit, you wana make some REAL coin tonight, then we are your people." The bartender goes to snap back and just chills for a sec and is like, "OK man, but anything stupid shit and I'll just call the cops cuz I dont have a door guy." Aaron is all cool with is so, here come the shawtz. "27 Vegas Bombs, chilled," comes out of one asshole disciples mouth and the bartender looks over in absolute disgust. Aaron shouts, "nah nah nah dood, fawk that pussy shit... 30 shots of Jamo, dont listen to that asshole" So the bartender grabs 30 ROX glasses and pours em nice and fat... The glasses go in the air, the toast is made (same one as before, but this time by Moses cuz he ran to the shitter earlier to rip a few lines) and the glasses comes down, clink the bar and everyone pounds their Jamos.

Thankfully tonight there are no servers working for the guys to moleste so the guys keep powering out drink at the bar, however, here come the servers who are all off and ready to party, thats when shit gets really bad. The bartender calls his buddy who works there and they turn on the DJ equipment and BOOM, before you know it, the tootsie roll song is on and EVERYONE is dancing in the bar, even the old nasty decrepit foggies. Its reaching midnight and somehow EVERYONE is drunk but not completely shithaused (maybe from all the redbulls n blow) Then that clock strikes midnight and Jesus orders a round for the entire day and is like, "heres to the day after my bday, for all you poor fuckers to get drunk n shit" and whips a fawkn box across the room at Moses who is totally grinding on this skank that Jesus wanted. The bartender tries to cut of Jesus but hes like, "Dood, come on, we are paying your rent and the bars rent right now and its ma fakwn BIRFDAY bra!" The bartender warns him and tells him last time and next time you are out. Jesus is all like, ok ok, and gets his drink and circles for some daddy-issued girl to grind on.

The day after Jesus wakes up in Moses' garage with some total skank and is like, "umm, wtf." He tries to kreep his way out but she wakes up and is like, "u want a blowie?" Jesus is hung as shit but has the hangover-hornies so hes like, ummmmm YES! This lil water-muffin sucks him off and he blows a massive Jamo-infused load in her mouth, so much that she gags and it slips out the side of her mouth a lil. Jesus puts his pants back on and walks in the house only to find EVERYONE still awake raging, playing quarters, girls completely naked just walking around drinking, making out with the guys, each other, serving drinks, this is beyond debauchery, this is fawkn hedonism! Jesus looks over to Moses who is in the kitchen sporting only a red silky cape and womens cheetah print undies and is like, "DOOD." Moses just smiles at him and is like, "happy bday bub," and they proceed to powerdown drinks. Aaron comes up to Jesus, completely blown out of his gourd wearing a white sheet toga and a bra on his head and has a fawkn MOSNTER plate of blow and asks him, "party favor for the party boy?" Jesus is like, ehhhh, fawk it and rips a honker, grabs a beer and starts dancing in the dance-party.

Before you know it, its about 4pm and everyone is still going strong. No one has eaten a thing, more people have showed up, less clothes are being worn, more booze and drugs have arrived and the party its almost peaking at this time. No one knows how to get this party to the next level so they just keep raging. At this point Jesus is down to his tighty-whiteys and is on the coffee table dancing to "aint no mountain high enough" with a bag of blow and a shark knife he is ripping the lines from, he even kicked off his sandals! One of the disciples is trying to wearing them as earrings but is so fawkn coked out he keeps chewing on them and using them to spank one of the bikini cladded girls. Before you know it, its almost 10 and no one has left and the party has even grown a bit and thats when Aaron does the unexpected, he invites over the 3 kings and thats where everything just goes to shit. They come over with 6 totally HAWT chics and a ton of ecstasy. Before you know it, the party goes from a fun drunken/coke party to everyone rolling their fawkn balls off. The music wasnt enough so once again, Aaron makes a call and DJ Abraham shows up in about 20mins and then the party just completely ignites. He brings over his laptop and some speakers and completely fawkn destroys the place with mega fawkn trance/techno... Its now at the point where theres about 200 people all over this house just raging like a motherfucker! DJ Abe throws on some Hardwell and all of a sudden every fawkn girl rips her shirt off and his just going fakwn nuts, fawkn place would put a Vegas mega-club to shame at this point.

Its 3am and the party is still going strong, actually stronger as more people have showed up. Jesus is in the middle of the dancefloor doing a combo of robot/breakdancing and the crowd is going fawkn apeshit. At this point he's in a ripped up scarf that is protecting his junk from skidding across the floor, hair in a ponytail and blow caked all over his nose, he's still the center of attention. And then, then, then it happens. The cops show up at the door. Aaron answers it and the cops just walk in to basically a complete drug and sex infested orgy. Nothing to do at this point since everyone is of age and the guys with the drugs are outside getting ready to dump the shit if they get the signal, Jesus stumbles over just, just completely out of his mind, sporting his ripped scarf as undies and falls into the cops and is like "wana do some fawkn toot u fawkn fawkz?" Officer Pontius looks at him and is like, "THIS PARTY IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!" The other cop starts screaming and yelling and backup arrives. Officer Pontius grabs Jesus arm and another cop grabs the other arm and they drag Jesus out. Jesus is so drunk and coked out he can barely move and his feet are dragging and cross over each other and he kind of looks like his head is hanging down, and his arms are being held up by the cops, just beyond smashed and fawked out of his goard in a whole nohter world. He ends up in the cop car and the party ends.

That was Jesus Birthday Week...
N Shit.