I Know The Pieces Fit

Ive been thinking, no wait, Ive been almost obsessed with trying to write this blog for about 10 months now. I feel like I should start it with saying something like, "36 years ago a boy was born," but I don't want this long weird timeline of my events, Im not writing a book here (yet) just a blog on shit. So I guess I will go back about 2 years when I felt my life start to take a very important turn...

2 years ago I was bartending and managing the Lodge and o man, was I having fun! I mean, I was tearing thru ass, partying my dick off, meeting so many people, creating all these great friendships and memories, all while flying high on this new phase I was in. I was working out like a madman. I dropped like 40lbs of fat in 4 months totally legit and bulked up. I was jamming protein in my body, and well, out of my body! I was a fawk machine. All I wanted to do was so bang chics and hook up and live my fawkn life. And I did. I was riding high on the tidal wave, totally on top of my game. I absolooootly LOVED my job and my co-workers, I put everything into that place, my heart, soul, mind and, well yes, my dick. I fell in love with work again, with the Lodge...And then as all this excitement was going down, I got side-swiped.

I fell in love with someone I shouldnt have but I did. I really do not understand who or why I fell in love with this girl but I did. Maybe some weird opposites attract shit, maybe cuz the sex was new and fun and the time and I thought it would last, maybe cuz it was wuite scandalous at first, shit, I dunno why my heart picked this piece as the prize but it did. So after banging her for a while I fell in love. I mean that CRAZY like deep ass love you cant explain, that silly soul mate shit that people talk about, that cosmic connection shit you think is true but mathematically isnt, well whatever that shit is, it happened. Then she moved in. I asked her. I wanted her too. I had NO idea why at the time but now I do. A great combo of totally in love and trust. I didnt trust her. Ever. But still loved the livin shit out of her. Still cant comprehend why but I let it go long ago, and her.
She moved in and things got worse. Constant fights, arguing and a lot of domestic abuse on her end. Shit, in the beginning she got arrested, hog-tied and carried away by 4 DuPage sheriffs... Thats when shit just teed off. Went thru her phone after that, saw some shit that wasnt good, totally broke my OWN personal rules about privacy, but my excuse was "I HAD to know why she was acting like that." Yea, of course, there were other guys, and thru the almost year of bullshit, always were other guys. Not too mention never meeting her family or ANY of her friends. O wait, I met her sister. Yippie.

So Im dating this chic and working at the Lodge and its going good, but up and down. Things at work were really unstable. The owner, my boss, my mentor, my friend had been diagnosed with cancer and it didnt look good. But the other manager and I stuck with it for a while. We tried but we knew the end of our days were coming. For some reason I couldnt bare to see things head down that path so I jumped ship and got another job GMing down the street. I thought it would be a great learning experience for me since I had never been "THE BOSS" of a place. Little did I know I would never be "THE BOSS" because the owner of the new place was a very hands-on owner and I never felt like I would ever get the reigns to myself to lead that place in the right direction.

After 3 months of working there I quit. I didnt have anything lined up but I had been applying for a lot of jobs all over, even out west. Cali, Vegas and AZ. I didnt want to be in IL anymore, I never really did but I was too connected to her, that place, that man and a lot of other things, family and friends mainly. I spent a lot of time alone with my dog, sleeping, walking, hitting the gym and spending on and off time with her. I threw her out of my apartment in the middle/end of November, I was still employed at the new place but I was off that day. We had been fighting a lot, she had been lying so much I stopped caring. I would have Sun/Mon off and I would stumble down to the Lodge and get shithaused and go home and pass out and wake up and go back. I didnt like my job, my life, or much. So anyways, I am unemployed and I am being kind of a bitch, complaining and shit and not doing more to better my life. All the while, giving her more of a reason and openings to ditch me. I still loved the shit out of her, I just knew she wasnt good for me. I saw the toxic waste rise to the surface and smelled it, even nibbled on it a lil and yea, toxic. So I kept pushing and sending my resume out any and every where I could. I even ALMOST went back to a bar I worked at and by GOD I am sooooooooooooooooo happy I didnt cuz that place is just a SHITHOLE. Her bday was end of Nov and I made a really really really nice romantic evening for her/us at my place. Shit man, I went all out within my means. Fire going, light music on, rose on the table, rubbed her feet, blabla... She didnt care for it much. She told her krappy friends on FB that she didnt do anything for her bday. So yea, that hurt like a bitch. So skip all that crap a few weeks later she attacks me again in the car. Shes kind of drunk, driving of course, smacks and pushes my face, I tweak and take off. We of course "work things out" and yea, whatever. I get all rumpy'd that night at the lodge (mind u not working there) with my friends. My face is a lil red and banged but whatever, its nothing new. So Dec goes by and I keep thinking about moving back west.

Its NYE and Im having a pre and post party at my place. I invite any and everyone over and it was a great time. The pre party was fun, really fun and so was the post party. We ended up at the Lodge for a lil in between and that was fun too. So I wake up NY day and end up cleaning a HUGE pile of puke off my couch her sister left. They leave, I fall back asleep, wake up and nothing feels right. Something feels wrong. Like I get this instinct, something in the universe isnt right. I text her some shit, she denies some shit, I tell her that something isnt right, she gets mad at me. Whatever. I trust my gut. A few weeks go by, things are meh. I mean she barely wants to bang, the sex had gotten REALLY fawkn stale after she locked me ina few months after we were official, I was applying all over but no dice and to top it all off, it was fawkn cold as fawk outside so I couldnt go anywhere really.

So this one time she comes over after school (college) and we hang and are suppose to bang. We go in my room, get ready and something aint right. We are kissing, and shes not into it, she keeps turning her head away when Im tryin to bang, then she wants the bangage a different way becuz "she wants to enjoy the sex" something she always has but for some reason put an emphasis on. We go doggy and shes not digging it becuz Im not. My body begins to shutdown. Its literally telling me NO, STOP, dont bang this chic dood. So we go for the standard way for her to gush which is her on top but she refuses to take her bra off, WEIRD. She NEVER was like that. So we are banging kind of and I go limp, AGAIN. OK folks, Im putting this out there. I NEVER go limp, OK maybe some wasted ass sex times, but never once sober. So shes riding me and my dick just goes soft, again telling me NO STOP dood. So she gets off me and stands up and starts crying. I hold her, tell her I love her and shes upset thinking shes ugly or some shit. I tell her no way, shes beautiful and I love her too much and all that shit. She leaves. I sit in my room and start to cry, I was a mess, I had no idea WTF was going on with me. WHY?

A week later we get into a text fight and she comes over. Its Jan 23rd and its about 4PM and I am standing in my kitchen telling her its over. The over over like its ACTUALLY over and shes laughing at me at first. I then go on to tell her things and she realizes it then and there, shit this is over, but still says shit like "you'll never find anyone like me that will love you the way I did" or "you are going to come to your senses like you always do and say you made a mistake" and shit like that. But I knew it was over. I helped put her bike in her car and she says to me, "now what" I tell her "Its like this. It was a good run. We walk away from each other and go on our separate lives." Shes like "are you serious" I said "Yes, and I go to high five her or something and she just looks at me. I walk away and shes still in the street waiting for some weird movie scene where I am going to run and beg her back. HELLLL NAH nigga! She so KRAYKRAY!

Feb 14 rolls around and shes all in love and dating her new boyfriend, yup, I knew it. One of the guys she had been talking too, then hanging out with and then prolly fawkn while she was "still with me." It kinda hurt but I knew she was a lying cheating lil whorebag so I just kinda was like, whatever.

Feb 23 rolls around and my old owner, my mentor, my boss, my friend passed away. I was a mess, a total and complete mess. I was so connected to him and what he had to say, how he said things, who he was, everything about him. I loved that man so much. I went to his wake, then to his funeral.

Then the Lodge closed. I wasnt employed there at the time but the GM, a dear friend of mine to this day, asked me to come in and bartend the last day they were open, ironically a Sunday. I came in and the place was emotionally empty. Its spirit was gone. It was very difficult to look people in the eye knowing that was the last day it would ever be open as The Lodge. I closed out my shift and the closers came on who only worked a few hours. We called last call at 6PM and got everyone out by 7PM. Some of us left for a bit, but we came back to reminisce and hangout after close. To have one last drink, shot, time together as The Lodge.

I started spending a lot of time in the gym after that. Trying to focus my attention on bettering myself. I was writing more and I was going out here and there. In the spring we even had "moon tower" parties in the parking lot of the Lodge. We couldnt let the place go. It was too special to some of us. People made fun of us but I think they may have been jealous that they never cared enough about a place to be that loyal. Eventually the parties ended as the summer approached. The pool and vball courts were in full force and I got a job bartending in downtown Naperville.

I like the place I was bartending. I met some great people there, some nice looking ladies, had some, well ummm, FUN and so on. But I knew I wouldnt make that a home cuz well, I kept thinking about moving back west, a place I call "Home"

ALLLLLL this time, going back 2years ago (actually the time table of events for this next go back 3yrs but I am trying to NOT bore you) So yea, jump back about 2yrs I am on the phone with my boy talking about a vaca to Vegas/LA. We had talked about moving to LA together but I was wrapped up in my shit and he was always like, "come on bra, make the move bra." We are friends, close friends, besties , we are BOYS to the B-O-Y-S! All this time we keep in touch, talk about moving to LA with him, its always in my head becuz my dream since CHILDHOOD has been to work and live in LA, yes, a long ass dream to LIVE and WORK in LA. I always wanted it to be my home. I vacationed out there alone when I was 21 and I was like, yup, I wana live here. My journey is a lot longer than what I am writing, but like I said, dont wana bore ya. So anyways, I keep in touch with him. I go see him. We talk, facetime, text, etc. And the whole time I keep thinking I should be there, this is the time...And then I look at what happened to me...

2 years ago I transformed my body in 4 months. GRANTED I didnt stick with it, but I did it with the help of a dear friend who is a personal trainer. I pushed myself physically harder than I ever have.
I fawked a lot of chics and then started dating one.
I fell head over heels in love with her so I knew in my heart that I could really love the shit out of someone.
I threw my entire body, mind and soul into work knowing I have what it takes.
I left that behind to work a place as "The Boss" which ultimately put such a strain on my relationship that it eventually drove us apart.
We started the "on and off" shit that I KNEW was even more toxic
Then I was out of work and spent time looking at jobs out west, getting that urge back, the urge that had always been there, the flame re-ignited
Then my mentor passed away and our physical connection was gone.
Then the place I spent 9/10years of my life working closed.
And then it was over. Everything ended. All in order for new beginnings. 

Everything came to an end in the beginning of 2014. The chain of events make sense. So many things happened in my life that ended all so something real and beautiful could come of it. My destiny was there the whole time just waiting for me to jump back on. Personally, MY life, these things had to happen for me to get back on the right track and start the new chapter in my life. I am so heavily connected to things I put my heart in, it takes a pretty big incident to stop the passion and love. Everything that happened, happened for that reason, my reason. Its like the scene in the movie Boiler Room where Seth says something like "What if I never answered that door." Thats how I felt with the smash bag of a girlfriend. If I didnt date her, who knows what woulda happened? Maybe knock up a server? Find a different place to work and lose track of my ultimate goal? I dunno, but things worked out for me. I had to go thru those 2years of ups and downs to get where I needed to be. 2014 was the most secretive rebuilding year of my life. And there was one guy keeping me focused on all of it and hes out in LA waiting for me.

My rebuilding year is almost over and I am really fawkn ready for the new year. New jobs, new city/state, new friends, new chapter in life....

I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication.

I now know that the pieces fit...