How To Properly Eat Pussy

FILTH’s Survival Guide

Edition #24

How To Properly Eat Pussy

By Trevor A. Keveloh

Well my friends, lately I’ve been writing some things that aren’t in the realm of FILTH, so here is something to bring you back to the good ole days…

The proper technique of eating pussy can vary from state to state, country to country and so on. Some people enjoy the good ole fashioned, shove your tongue in there and let that bad boy do the work. Some people prefer the teeth, tongue combo which can be a tricky bitch. And some people go all in, Texas Hold Em Style and get their fingers, knuckles, palms, and elbows in that bitch.

Personally I’m a fan of the whole Trivago. That’s the name I’m giving it, “The Whole Trivago.” It’s basically a hybrid of the last one and some of my own personal style I’ve gained since that sweet poon I devoured in high school.

First and foremost, eating the poon isn’t about you, it’s about HER. You need to find out what makes her tick, and I’m talking not just getting her lady-finger hard, but upstairs. Women are delicate creates which is why they often stray away from dick. Some men can’t really get in tune with the poonanny, they just wanna hit it and quit it without really getting to know the terrain. Ya gotta step up and really do the due diligence of really getting to know the entire vajayjay. Not just getting hard off of vodka-monsters and cramming your dick in her, shooting a sad load then ubering home. If you really wana make an impact on that lil vixen, here the basics on “The Whole Trivago.”

First things first, make sure her mind/brain is with it. There aint nuttin worse than chic who jus aint lookin to get some head, so be a good neighbor and check on her mental status. Secondly, make sure she’s comfy, ya know clothes, music, candles n shit. Third, throw her a bone, no not your dick, maybe pop in a DVD/Netflix of a Channing Tatum flick, maybe ole Brad Pitt or Cooper, or if she’s fun and kinky, get some of that Orange New Black chic Amber Rose or whatever tha fawk her name is. Ok, enough of the number thing, I’m just going to blabber on and hopefully you can keep up with me. So she’s feeling good, music is dope, nice scent going, got some good visuals in front of her. So you scoot your ass downtown and slowly take off those adorable panties she’s sporting. Maybe they are baby blue, maybe a lil pink ya know, like Vic Secrets, hell maybe even a nice sexy bright red, yea, summin like that. So remove those bastards all slow and sexy. Use your tongue, teeth, tease them a lil ya know, have fun with them, but not too much fun. We don’t want to keep the kitty waiting too long, kitty’s can get turned off too quick. Ok, so you got those lil fawkerz off, next thing you do is you tease that lil pooner. Blow at it, kiss it, give her a lick or two, hell maybe even THREE licks, just to get that snacthareno nice and excited. So what you do is take your index finger and slowly put it on the hood of her vag and then take your thumb and slowly drag it down the gina then twist it so it’s parallel with her vag and your hand will now look like you are kind of representing the Crypts. Now most people will go in there and just chow down like a Vegas buffet, which is a no no. You want to go in there like you are a pro and diving into that opening of delight like a fawkn Neanderthal aint gonna cut it. So what you do instead is you get your nose in there and you rub it around a lil, get your senses involved, make cute lil faces at that vag, smile at it, you can even give it a lil pep talk like, “hey you. I just wanna let you know I’m kummin in. I’ll leave my dickhead friend downstairs, but I think were gonna have a really good time tonight. Here goes sweetie poo.” Then you get that nose in there, rub it around like I said, then tease her a lil. And people, make sure you are listening to both her body and noises because if neither are communicating anything to you, you are prolly fawkn this up and that sucks. So back to the nose, now we get Mr. T out. He is our key to this whole ordeal, obviously. Now let him go in slow and strong, never fast and hard, that’s for Big Daddy Byron who isn’t invited to this party. Give that precious piece of flesh a few flicks from Mr.T, nothing too porn like, just some fun flicks to let her know he likes to play a lil too. Once you get those few lickflicks in there, its time to switch it up. Now most amateurs use the alphabet routine, which most girls know about and is simple. I often use something like it but way different. I like to use the “Have You Ever Been To Heaven” routine. It’s pretty much talking to that poon using a lot of words that have distinctive tongue usage. It’s a combo of knowing solid words to get that lil fleshy nice and wet and improving on the spot. Do some homework, get some words in your arsenal, then go to town. What I like to do is memorize an entire monologue I wrote using a lot of tonguey words. Once you get that all set and ready, time to throw it down. So you have your thumb on the bottom, index finger on her hood and you are doing your tonguey monologue. If that isn’t getting her nice and drippy, you are either doing it wrong or you are giving an old pumpkin head because this entire process, “The Whole Trivago” is LITerally 100% effective, its even been known to make dead women wet! So we got that going and some of you are like, “wait wait, what about clitty town?” Ooooo ladies, don’t you worry, Id never forget about the most celebrated guest to the party. Once your eater is on a roll, this person MUST make sure you are oozing and ready to shit yourself. So with that in mind, slowly take out your tongue and throw your nose back in there like Cinderella slipping her foot in the shoe. Or was it Dorothy? Whoever tha fawk it was, do that shit and get the nose back in there. Once the special no no place is oozing with yumyums of liquid goodness, bring the nose to the hood and pull him out and right as you do that, whip Mr.T out and let him go to work upstairs, have him knock on Ms.Clittys door and I’m sure she’ll let him in, that’s only if you followed these rules and did some of your own homework! So Ms.Clitty lets Mr.T in and well, remember, she’s the most precious pearl in all the sea, so be gentle with her, but never TOO gentle, you want her to know you are there to have fun AND do a job. So once you are in, give her a lil kiss, just a lil one, a cute one, nothing too weird or heavy, more than a peck, less than a mouth rape. Then we begin to serenade Ms.Clitty with our homework again. Get Mr.T ready for the finals and get allllll those words, that monologue, everything because this is 4^th and goal on the 1yard line and they have a stacked D. Make sure to keep your index finger and thumb in place, but always make sure to have them moving, rotate them a bit, kind of like just keeping them warm ya know, they are assistants, they are like bussers or barbacks, here to help the bartenders and servers. Funny thing is, when all this is going on, we have a few more players waiting on the sidelines, so lets get them involved. When you are entertaining Ms.Clitty with Mr.T get some of your bench squad a lil action. Sub in and out if you need too, ya know if your index and thumb are showing fatigue, get the others in there. It’ll definitely make things easier and better! So now that we have the entire team involved, everyone is happy, Ms.Clitty and Mr.T are getting along, this should be more than enough to make your counterpart unload a bit. Some like to REALLY unload like a fire hose, busted septic tank or a dormant geyser. Unfortunately you are going to run into a few out there that unload like someone taking the groceries out of their trunk and into their house, but don’t worry about them, they are usually the ones that wouldn’t even go for some pleasure like this.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the key to this is getting in her head. Make sure there’s room for you and your squad up there and of course, down there. If she’s not with it, it COULD be a bad game to get in too. OR, you could go for gold and maybe turn her day around with the proper technique, “The Whole Trivago.”