By Trevor A. Keveloh
(Preface)
I recently read an article titled... 8 Types of Crazy Guys You'll Date Before You Meet "The One." It was funny, it was true, it was thought-provoking, and it was just plain entertaining. I tried to figure out a term to call these ever-so witty ONLINE articles aka BLOGS (just like this one) that seem to group everyone into some category and all I can think of is something like, "specific generalization." We are basically just taking the most basic types of people we meet, placing them in a category that suits them best, then just ragging on them until no extent because those people have become our exes and it seems like we just can't play nice anymore with exes, so we all have to LIKE and SHARE all the blogs that pertain to that shit. Like this one...
So in the good spirit of humor, parodies, social commentary and of course, dating, I give you...
8 Types of KRAZE Girls You'll Date Before You Meet "The One"
1. THE HAWT CHIC WHO'S SELFIE COUNT IS HIGHER THAN HER IQ
I get it, you are hawt, you have a toned body, you "model" on social media, you have nice implants, or a really killer bra, you eat healthy, you wear mounds of make up and every boyfriend you've ever had in your life is a John Cena lookalike. We get it, we do, you are very attractive to the still norms of society, however you aren' just all there upstairs. It's OK though, you can still take the tilted-hat-on-"messy hair"-paint-rolled-on-makeup gym selfie with your tanned as fawk abs showing and that killer cleavage but you still can't tell me who The Rothchilds are, who's buried in Grant's Tomb, when the was of 1812 was and still have a hard time spelling...a lot of shit. But don't worry, you got this my lil selfie-princess, you got this, you'll get knocked up by the right guy who will take care of ya whether or not you marry him or just take half of whatever it is he has, or had.
2. THE GIRL THAT CONSTANTLY TRIES TO IMPRESS YOU WITH EVERYTHING
This lil overzealous princess who thinks she is a queen is going to constantly remind you everything she has accomplished in her life. Whether it be her degree in business, masters in business, doctrines in business or just letting you know all of her business. Shes going to attempt to woo you with everything she's seen, done, places shes visited, people shes "met" (aka seen at an airport or bar) expensive wines shes tasted, boats shes partied on (did tons of blow on with some dealer.) Shes going to run around town acting like she knows everything and everyone and chances are, she isn't even from that town but is so gawddamn in peoples faces and tosses her money around like Mayweather in Vegas after a big win that people just "like" her because she spends money. She'll do fine in this life once over the hill princess hits 50 and realizes it's time to chill out and just marry some guy who will always look up to her like she's Cleopatra.
3. THE GIRL THAT'S GREAT BUT JUST FAWKED THA FAWK UP
The chic is basically a cubic zirconia. She's going to shine bright like a diamond, but in reality we now know that diamonds don't shine, they reflect, so when the light hits, she won't be shining bright, she'll be reflecting her fawked up insides that will make you run or stay and get WAY too fawkn close. She may be a stripper, may be a bartender, she may be an accountant, she may be a lawyer, but whatever she is, she is going to initially unload some sock drawers of bullshit, or some not so subtle hints about her past. Then when you get too close she's going to drop the bombs on you like the game 1942 and you are going to eat that shit or run like hell. The guys that eat that shit, will be getting every sob story known to humans about how bad her exes were, her parents were, and in all, her general life is/was/whatever. But don't worry by dear princess, you will find a guy with a heart of gold who's dumb as shit who can just constantly swallow your pill of victimizing and live long and prosperous.
4. THE SHORT-TERM DATER
This chic is usually going to be above average looking to hawt. Chances are she's had one, MAYBE two relationships that have last more than a few months and her excuse will always be about him and never about her. He was too broke. He was too nice. He was too mean. He was full of himself. Everything she says about him will be vaguely true but there will be a lot more to the story. She's the girl that's got about 12-20 guys deep on her phone, most likely coded, guys on her social media that are "her friends," that she always has waiting in the wings to "take her out and treat her like a lady" and all that good stuff. But she's going to jump from guy to guy, usually who is hotter and has more to offer (ah HEEEM, money) and most importantly, who she looks good with on instagram. But we know this princess will marry a great catch, or just some guy who has enough patience and ignorance to never know she still has her eye open for the next.
5. THE GIRL THAT WANTS IT ALL NOW
This is usually the girl that we meet and she seems really cool and down to earth right away, no bullshit, maybe even has a lot of guy like qualities. But it will turn into a pseudo-fatal attraction quickly if you don't watch out. After a few weeks of dating (fawkn) she may start leaving her toothbrush over, may start leaving her shit all over your place, texts late, texts early, texts all day and night, stopping by your work or even talk about kids and/or marriage with you a few weeks after the first insertion of your penis into her vagina. Maybe she'll even want to merge bank accounts before you two have even become official because that way she knows what you're spending and where. All her sights are set on are marriage, house, kids and all that shit that's been drilled down her throat. She forgot about the fun shit in life like love, exploring, adult arguing and adult make up sex. But this princess WILL find a guy, that's a promise. There are plenty of guys that need a girl like this to keep them in line, or are just like them and are expected to OBEY the American Dream.
6. THE WHORE
We all love this treat, all of do. Girls LOVE this one because they absofawknloootly DESTROY her for being promiscuous and it seems like EVERY girl out there LOVES to dog the whore. Guys love her because, well, she likes to fawk and guys are a bit more open to sleeping around and being open about it than girls, still to this day. (Which is really strange in this day in age, but that's for another blog.) The whore is obviously going to use sex to find love, but chances are, she's really just using sex to fill a void in her life, (easily daddy issues, but could be more) or holy shit, maybe she just likes to have sex with men and conquer them like guys do to girls? I mean, mathematically it's not like one girl is banging every guy, but this girl is. She's going to seduce you, she's probably really hawt, or sexy or just knows how to toy with you. Chances are she's not even that interested in dating you, just fawkn you and having fun. She's probably going to be cool too, maybe a little conceited, who knows, but she doesn't plan on closing up shop anytime soon. And you may even try and date her because the sex is great and/or often, but it wont last cuz deep down inside she wants love and this princess will find it with a really nice guy who just doesn't give a fawk about her past and you do.
7. THE DADDY'S GIRL
O lordy, do we ALL know this girl. She's going to be attached to her dad forever. He's going to support her no matter what and no guy will ever be good enough for his lil girl who prolly banged the second team receivers core at a killer party sophomore year of college. She's going to expect you to take care of her like Daddy IS whether you know it or not. She may even be as weird as making you dishcloth her before sex or something strange like that.. Her co-dependency is going to be cute at first, then annoying, then awful, then just flat out destructive. She'll never know how to do or deal with shit because Daddy Warbucks was always there to do it for her. She's going to have some qualities that initially attract you to her like she enjoys sports or drinks beer or likes video games. Then it will all stop because her dad will try to disown her and she doesn't want to make daddy mad, so she'll leave you and go back to daddy and find another sucker for a while. Ole princess will find a guy one day that will be WAY too much like her dad and he may never realize it, but that's going to be the one she marries. It's OK though, it's just kreepy as fawk.
8. THE SWEETHEART
This girl has been a victim her entire life. I'm telling you EVERY guy she's ever dated has, "fawked her over," in some way or another. They prolly "borrowed money and never paid her back," slept with plenty of guys too soon, blew some guy in Tha Lawdge shitter, or what may have you, but when it boils down to it, she's using her above average looks, initially good personality and constantly relating to you to try and reel you in. She's going to be a good person, trust me, a sweetie, but she's using the game to get something. Maybe money, pregnant, or empathetic love. She's also the one on dating sites that, "isn't here for games," or, "isn't here for one night stands," because she plays plenty of games, just not overtly and has banged plenty of doods and feels guilty, so she needs to address that quickly. But it's OK buttercup, my lil princess, you'll find that special someone that will love you for you and never judge you for all those crazy nights of guys, "fawkn you over," after you leave their apartment in the morning.
