Holy Shit...Its Been A While n Shit.

Well fawkn ehh, its been a while since I pounded this thing like a Lawdge server...

Just hit my 9mts clean and sober. Not a drop of booze, toot, puff the magic draghole, nuttin… But I do find myself occasionally having a smoke of a ciggypoo here and there... NOT a habit I want to start, but it's helped in certain situations.... Back to chomping on gum instead, that's cleaner and much cooler...The cigs help with the minor anxiety flare ups of being in and a round a goddamn fawkn  bar non stop...Which will soon stop...
Ive been busting my ass with The Dojo for over a year now. Its been one wile fawkn ride to say the least. I started that bitch and a few months later I got stabbed in the fawkn neck a quarter inch from my carotid artery, bled the fawk out, had a blood transfusion, emergency surgery, and almost died in the sense that the shank was so close to the artery and from stab to ER it was about 20mins which means if it hit the artery, the surgeons said the BEST case for me would have been a major stroke, but the most likely scenario would have been death, cuz of that 20min lag of being lost in SanDiego…
SO here I am, punching away at this thing like its my last jerkathon before school is back in session. Trying to make sense of it all, when in reality, it makes total fawkn sense...
Ive considered a life of complete and total sobriety for a very long time...I thought about how it would be to not want or feel the need to drink, even just one or two... My issues aren't with the booze n drugs itself, my issues have been with feeling the need to be the party boy, the ring leader, the one that knows how to have fun, let loose, all that Vegas kinda shit... I then dug deeper and saw that I felt that I wasn't cool enough so I needed booze to be a better version of me...And that got out of hand a long long time ago... I let booze become me, I let it take over me and run the ship... I felt like I needed it to have friends, hook people up at bars I worked at, get bottles n table service n all that shit... Then I never wanted the party to stop, I loved the thrill, the excitement of staying up til 3,4,5,6am drinking and talking and tryna slide my jinglebearers into some sludge...Then I found coke and it literally just ruined everything...Coke is such a garbage drug... Its ideally a great clean drug to jack you up and make you feel like doing shit, when all it is is stepped on rat poison mixed with baby powder that makes u feel like you are in a rapeshed of a bathroom with 3 other people talking about all the ideas and things you are gonna do when in reality you are going to do absofawnlootly nothing because the next day or AFTERFAWKNNOON you will have such a fawk of a cokeover that you will lay in bed with a shriveled up penis tryin to wack yourself to sleep and then nut what looks like a fly loogy and try to pass out and that wont work so you just smoke 3 bowls and numb out and have that weird..am I asleep or not sleep... Gawd DAMN that sounds sickenly awful...And for fawkz sake we've all been there, don't lie and project and say it was him or her, when deep deep DEEP o baby DEEP down inside you know exactofawknlootly what tha fawk im talking about....
Anyways, where was I.. O ya... The Dojo or something or nother…
I love that thing and everything about it... From Sams insanity to my lil terds that help out, Drew n Stinky... I've got something really fawkn special on my hands and I want that bish to prosper and grow into a legit AF comedy room (maybe even a club) but I also need to make way for who I am and what I want to do as well... Theres more to my life and goals that I'll just keep off tha muthafawkn innawebb, cuz hey bishes, that MY choice...so eat a dik if u don't like it...
Its a shit day out today in LA, cold, rainy approaching a cumfilled weekend...Yet Im kinda happy about my current status... I got jazz on, wrapped up in an APC blankie LilTrev got for me, warm coffee, writing my dick off and got some soup-gruel-slop in the crockpot that looks like prison dumplings... Life aint so bad as long as you change your prescription every once in a while.. NO I don't mean the addy, percs and all that bullshit you shove down your throat because you've convinced yourself you need medication to be a better person... I was being figurative in saying, change your prescription on your perception of life and reality... You gotta role with the punches n shit, life CAN be all sunshine and rainbows, but it can also be cold n rainy like it is right now in LA... Use this time to be a lil wiser n smarter about what u needa get done... I got laundry to do, I aint gonna do it.. I need new chonies too..and Id like to get new running shoes so I can actually start running again and lose this 6month preggo belly once and for all...Jesus I think Im lactating again..hold on, gotta go pump...
Ok im back from that fictional pumping sesh with ma tiddez…
Anyways, here's WONDERWALL...

Dinner With The Bourdains....

(A rough cut of my story written in July of 2012. Thank you for reading. May God rest your soul Anthony Bourdain aka Tony B.)

“Dinner with The Bourdains”
By Trevor A. Keveloh

 

Well, to begin this outing, I have to say that there is an interesting back story leading up to this event that I would LOVE to tell you about, but I’d rather focus on the dinner at hand. Just too much to explain and I’d rather dive in head first.

Let’s get our fork and knife and dig in to the meat.

We had the pleasurable experience of having dinner with Ottavia and Anthony Bourdain at the beautiful restaurant Carnevino inside the Palazzo Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. Amongst us were Elisabeth and Jacob Nuesser, owners of Fight Chix, Craig Vander Woude Director of Intangibles and of course, me. We were respectfully seated in a private area in the back of the restaurant which was decorated with a touch of class yet so simple. Dim lighting, thick curtains and a quaint table for six but big enough for eight. We did our handshakes and hugs and sat down and got to talking. I was seated right next to Anthony, or as we like to refer to him, Tony B. Some of you know me as a talker, a comedian, kind of a loudmouth at times so it may shock you that I was dead silent for almost the first 40 minutes. I kept looking at Tony thinking, “Is he supposed to be on my T.V. right now? I’m confused. He’s in front of me and NOT on T.V.” I finally shook out of a daze after a few Jameson’s, neat. Craig and Tony B got into a long discussion about styles of guns and ammo, wound wraps and so on, (Craig is in the Air Force and also goes by the nickname AF1.) While we were having conversations about big boy guns, I leant an ear over to Elisabeth, Ottavia and Jacob who were talking about Women’s MMA, BJJ and so on. Elisabeth and Jacob explained the rise of Fight Chix to provide a more open and honest perspective on how and why we are, where we are. I felt like Ottavia got a better grasp on not only the company’s roots and focus but more so, who we are as everyday people.
A few discussions later, we decided to look over the menu. Packed and stacked with lustful descriptions of meat, pasta and appetizers, I was in awe on what could be indulged. I did my research on this establishment and read up a bit on Mario Batali and tried to pick my choices best suited for what he would use as his flagship foods– STEAK of course! The wait staff was as perfect as you are going to get when it comes to fine dining. Well spoken, educated on the food, worked together like a well-oiled machine and attentive to all your needs and questions. We were eventually greeted by the hosts, managers and captain, all who were courteous and respectful. Tony B got into talking about some of his off-screen adventures with his film crew, which reminded me of, “Apocalypse Now.” I kept listening to the stories but all I could see in my head was Tony and his film crew on a little boat cruising the Amazon while he narrated what was happening with a Martin Sheen tone mixed with his New York attitude and “language,” if you may. As we jumped around from story to story, our table would casually meet up for a collective discussion; one of my more favorable stories was about children. Tony and Ottavia told us the cutest story about their 5 year old daughter who has her own tagline, ”NOOOOOO reservations,” which became a quoting theme the rest of the weekend amongst the Fight Chix Crew. In between all the conversations, stories and so on, the staff would bring out dishes that were, “compliments of the chef.” I can honestly say that I did not consume one dish that was NOT mouth-watering. Seasonsed mashed potatoes with cheese mixed in, this incredible flavorful corn, steak tartar and of course their famous herb bread with fantastic lard for dipping, oh my was this a treat! We finally got around to ordering. The waiter had mentioned earlier that there were a “select few of 9 month aged bone-in rib eyes in the cooler for special guests,” which of course were ordered by Tony and Jacob. I ordered the spinach salad and the bone-in New York strip. After we got the fun stuff out of the way, we continued our discussions. We spoke about the Twitter craze and how successful it’s been for so many people and companies. I am an avid Twitter user, but for all the right needs. I asked Tony, “What does it take to get verified. It seems like this elaborate process and I’ve read so much on it?” His response was right on but simple, “I know people who work at Twitter, so it’s easy.” Damn you Tony, DAMN YOU! 

And then… Dinner.

What I saw coming out was something out of a Mad Max movie. I saw these massive pieces of meat with what looked like the femur bone of a woolly mammoth sticking out of them which brought a WHOLE new term to, “bone in.” I was given my sultry steak which seemed to be oozing with perfection. The waiters went to get the rest of the food and while we waited Tony said something along the lines of, “in some cultures it’s poor food etiquette to let your food get cold,” so we began to dig in. My first cut into my medium cooked steak was like taking my first step off an airplane and onto a Hawaiian beach. This delicate breeze of ocean air filled my mouth. I felt at home, I felt like I could just sit here, enjoy this moment for days. I chewed away the notion that there was plenty more in this sexy little vixen of a steak. Each bite was meant to be completely different from the prior and the future, yet all derived from the same loins. I looked around the table and saw this communal respect for these beautiful creatures who had given their lives to us.
As this foodgasm came to an end, Craig and Tony rounded up dinner with the digestif known as Averna, while I stuck to my Jameson, neat. At that point I think we were all fulfilled in every way possible. Amazing food, quality drinks, great conversations, and being surrounded with such great people, the night was perfect.
Tony shared a story in which I was most fond of. It involved a blob-like actor/thing that is right up there with Hollywood’s greatest douchebags. I will simply say this story was, “gut hurt,” funny and I couldn’t stop laughing. Tony B went on to describe his first encounter with this over-sized troglodyte and some other things I’d rather not say. He then went on to discuss some other adventures of his that were in and out of this world, literally. In the midst in all of this I took myself out of the conversation for a bit and peeked into this dinner table from and outside point of view, almost as if I was holding a camera. I really saw how  charismatic and beautiful Ottavia is, with her intense laugh and an ability to speak with her body as well as her words, she is such a delight to be around. I focused on the conversation techniques with Tony, who we all know is a pretty rad guy on T.V. but in person is 10 times more RAD. He has no filter, no editing, no attention span to abide by to keep his stories short for the listener. He speaks with a calm authority and tells it like it is. His discontent with other T.V. personalities are prevalent and he gives you the same respect when you are speaking. He listens as well as he speaks, something I commend anyone for, that is in a similar position as he is. It was one of those revelations I had right then and there that makes me want to talk about it more. The fact that when I was telling my story to Tony he was as interested in it as I was in his story about the politics of T.V. and so on. Intense!

I stress to the reader that I would LOVE to share more stories about our dinner with these fine people, but I’d rather just leave you with the simple notion that they are just flat out, kick ass!
 

This four hour session was literally impossible to overcome. I walked out of there thinking to myself…  “I just had dinner with The Bourdains.” And I did.