Friendships are Basically Hostage Situations

By Trevor A. Keveloh

After years and years of going through friendships, keeping, building, losing, killing and so on, I've come to the conclusion that all friendships are basically a hostage situation. My theory is simple. You become friends with someone, then depending on your connection, you remain just friends, or develop into a stronger and greater connection. When you move towards that stronger bond with someone, you tend to open up, divulge the skeletons in your closet, express your deepest and darkest fears as well as expressing your dreams and aspirations. Your friend now knows all too much about you and if you are to cross them, they have the ability to publicize all your personal life to whomever they feel. Think about it.
You meet someone you really connect with. Have all kinds of shit in common like favorite beer, movies, whore selection, sports and shit. Then you get drunk together one night, you accidentally tell them that you once banged your bosses wife at the Christmas party, or you are fawkn some 19yr old intern, or you were on ecstasy and you blew some guy in a WeHo shitter. That friend now basically has partial ownership to some really fawked up shit you've done. What do you do now? Sometimes you can't just cut them off, especially if it's some fawkn asshole who enjoys hurting people with slander type shit or is just a prick who likes to start shit. So if you end up getting into a fight, you swallow your fawkn pride like that load of cum in the WeHo shitter and you deal with it. OR, you kind of slowly back away and always keep in touch with them. Make up some typical bullshit like you are, "so busy with work and your shitty family that you can't do as much," I dunno, people always find a good reason to just back tha fawk off someone who they are worried is going it OUT them if they have a friend breakup.
It's a tricky situation so be careful. You've got to treat that friendship like a hostage situation and make sure they don't off one of the prisoners and make you look like a shitty negotiator. That shit is crucial to your well-being and especially your future. Shit, what if your friend is some keyboard warrior who likes to bash people and go crazy on social media? You've got to watch those tricky lil fuckers. Those are the worst. They kind of troll through the internet all day, sitting graciously in their cubicle, attacking people all over the world, hiding behind that trendy screen name like "All4One." Getting paid 80K to tinker with some office bullshit but spend most of their time just annoying people.
In the event that some mercenary takes your private life public and you are past the point of no return, you've got to just either fess up and acknowledge your secrets, or lie through your fawkn teeth and make them look like a fawkn mad man. Either way, you are kind of fawked. So be careful on who you spill your guts too, you never know who is going to use your personal shit as a hostage negotiation.

The UFC; Gone Corporate

By Trevor A. Keveloh

 Well, the inevitable has happened. The UFC has gone completely corporate. Between the Rebook deal and the recent information pouring out from the UFC “fan” expo, it looks as if this July will have a lackluster attendance. Fans, former sponsors and most importantly, the fighters are pissed.

I’ve always been under the assumption that Dana White had wanted to mirror the UFC from the NFL, which now seems like a pretty terrible idea (DeflateGate, Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, etc.) My initial reaction to the Reebok deal was, “why?” Why are you putting uniforms on fighters? It’s a one on one sport, not a team sport. Uniforms are used to decipher one team versus another team, but for some reason the grandiose idea of a uniform on fighters is somehow logical? I don’t understand, but I guess that’s why I am not the CEO of the UFC. I’ve always looked at the MMA world and how its sponsorships are handled and thought it was really mirrored more towards Nascar. A one person sport which has a number of people competing against each other. Apparently I was wrong, very wrong.

The newest black eye for the UFC is now the politics behind the “fan” Expo. Smaller companies, aka NON-sponsors (but SUPPORTERS) of the UFC are getting the boot. “Sorry buddy, this lunch table is only for the cool kids only.” I get it, I do. I understand business, I understand big business and the fact that it needs to grow and evolve into something bigger and greater. But there is a right way to do this and a wrong way to do this. The UFC shit the bed. Ten years ago when I got involved in the MMA world I didn’t think that the company I have worked with, Fight Chix, would have grown to what it is today. When that company grew and became as respected as it is, I was flattered, humbled and rather proud. Years of hard work, dedication, lugging product all over the country from expo to expo, I felt like the UFC was our friend, or our neighbor down the street with the “big house.” But that neighbor, that “friend,” was really more like the Klopek’s from the movie, “The Burbs.”

I honestly wanted to try and give the UFC the benefit of the doubt on their Reebok deal but after recently seeing the numbers come out for the fighter pay on the new tier system, I immediately felt horrible for the fighters. These men and women train so fucking hard, day and night, lose time with friends and family, rarely have anything close to an off-season and are now getting cut at the legs. And why? To fatten the pockets of the executives. $2500 for a low tier fighter? A bottle service girl makes that in a weekend in Vegas.

I have slowly distanced myself from the UFC world as it has become watered-down and overwhelming. I don’t really care how much the organization makes; I care about watching a good quality fight. The UFC became over-saturated when it teamed up with FOX and then constantly began pumping out fights. I enjoy change, but positive change is what needed to be done. As the organization grows, more and more amateur fighters want to join the UFC as a dream, a goal, whatever it is they are fighting for. I respect every fighter out there for following their dreams to become a pro-fighter, hell we’ve helped grow a number of amateur fighters and still do to this day. But is the UFC really going to be the end all be all for all these fighters? Or will someone better come along and build an organization that is truly fair to its fans, sponsors and fighters?

Maybe Bellator, WSOF, Invicta could all get together, team up and take over.

Jesus' Birthday Week N Shit

It's Jesus' bday week which means a lot of corporate people will be off and a lot of hospitality people will be working extra hours to make those important peoples days off more exciting since we all cant stand extended family for too long, so lets talk about Jesus and what he usually does on his bday week...

From what I know, on the 23rd he goes out and shops a lil. Sometimes he grabs a few drinks or roadies or both and gets some shit done. Then he goes home, naps, wakes up, showers (always has a beer in the shower like a good lil boy) then eats and heads out for the night for a Freindsgiving/Gift exchange thing at a bar. Jesus is usually chill about it until midnight and then he gets all twentysomething girl-ish and is like "O MA GAWWWD, its my birthday eve... SHAWTZ!!!" And starts buyin rounds and rounds of blackhaus for the bar. He is usually at a smaller bar so its cheaper and less people and the only people to show up for gift exchange are his close friends aka professional drinkers. When its last call he usually bums a ride home or cabs it cuz, well, who wants to get a DUI on their bday eve?

Its now Xmas eve daytime and Jesus is a but hungover. He cooks himself a flight of pancakes and some maple syrup and dabbles in some scrambie eggs and powers down a big glass of milk after all that food. Food coma hits and he takes a nap. Jesus will wake up around 4pm and make a small pot of coffee to get going again, jumps in the shower with a beer and gets ready for his bday eve... He then gets out and throws a lil Jamo up in dar and loosens up a bit. After hangin alone at his crib, havin some celebratory alone drinks, its time to round up the party people and hit the few bars open...

Its about 8pm and everyone is at his buddy Moses' having drinks and shots and gettin ready to celebrate the bday eve. All of the disciples show up but they are kinda cheap so they bring a case of Natty Ice to split for everyone, thankfully most of the people at the pre party have taste and bring bottles of liquor, coors lights, some craft beer and other shit like wine and egg nog with rum. So everyone gets a nice foundation of buzz on and of course, all drive to the local bar. Thats where shit gets weird. Anytime you goto a bar on a holiday you see the most "eclectic" group of people you will see all year. Thankfully this bar is in a decent area but with a high level of twentysomethings which means a bunch of drunk girls with daddy issues gettin PLOWED off Rumpleminze; SCORE! So Jesus and his crew post up at a well and just start raging like its NYE but its not, its Jesus eve bday shit so yea. They binge drink, powering down everything from Vegas bombs, jamo, rumpys, fireball, jagerbombs, jager up, and by midnight, Jesus looks like Sammy Davis Jr all one eye all cock-eyed lookin the wrong way all night. So at midnight, Moses is completely SHIT-HAUSED so he askes his brother Aaron to do the speech for him since he cant really talk. Aaron, who is a quite sober and coherent does the ole... "To Jesus and to lying, cheating, stealing and drinking... If you are going to lie, lie for your friends, if you are going to cheat, cheat death, if you are going to steal, steal a woman's heart and if you are going to drink, drink with me.." Everyone raises their shots of Crown in the air and pound it down.. At this point it doesnt even matter what anyone is drinking and shit, most people are close to blackie or are already blackie and of course, Jesus is one fireball away from soiling himself, however maintains a level of awesomeness and is totally makin out with one of the daddy-issued rumpleminze skanks... Last call is called, another round of shots is out and then the lights go up...At this point in the night, the ONLY person in the bar that is remotely sober is Aaron and thats becuz he promised his broham Moses hed stay sober enough to give the speech. Aaron is now pantless, in his daygo tee, flexing for the waitresses who are all drunk and shoving singles down his xmas undies. The bartender/manager is mildly faded but still sober enough to get everyone out of the bar in due time. Magically, that bartender was smart enough to arrange a fleet of cabs earlier in the night for these fawkz to get home safley in which they do.

Today is Jesus birthday... Hung as shit, no one wants to move or do anything at all, especially cook, so they order $173.67 worth of delivery Chinese food. "O ma ga, you eat dat much, u betta be real" says Chinaman on the phone. Moses gives them his credit card number and says "there a fawkn go dood, and well tip that fawker fat cash if it gets here SOON." Then he hears, "OK, OK, fiteen, tweeny minet," low and heold 17mins later the doorbell rings and there's a chinaman at the door, sweating, holding bags and bags of food. All crooked eyed, Moses starts handing bags to the disciples and they walk them to the kitchen table. Moses looks at the derivery guy and is like "what?" He was just waiting for a tip and of course Aaron has to come over and is like, "here ya go bub, merry xmas," and hands the dood a hundo. So they all monge and then pass out again.

3 pm rolls around and they are all waking up off the sofas, ground, basement and shit whatever, spare rooms and shit. Thankfully there are 3 showers so everyone gets ready to go out for Jesus bday. 645PM rolls around and everyone is already buzzed, except Jesus, he snuk away and got a lil too high and ended up passing out on the porch. So they wake the birthday boy up and just violently shove stoli/redbulls down his throat like some shit out of the movie "a clockwork orange." Moses, half in the bag now, stumbles over and is like, "OK OK, let the dood enjoy this shit and his fawkn bday.. GAAAAAWD!" So the boys pull themselves together and find a different bar to goto on Xmas night. These assholes still have their cars at the other bar, so they just all cab it over. The show up in the bar and it's like the scene in the movie Casino where Pesci is at the casino and you hear the song "whip it" by Devo in the background... A bunch of semi-drunk goons ready to RAGE for homie Jesus' bday, they post up and start RIPPING fawkn grape bombs, shit they went thru 2 bottles in the first 35mins of being there that the bartender was like "DOOD, you guys gotta slow down." Moses already actin like a drunk fawkn asshole starts to mouth off and then Aaron steps in and is like, "YO, its cool man. We are all cabbin it, no one will get out of hand and shit, you wana make some REAL coin tonight, then we are your people." The bartender goes to snap back and just chills for a sec and is like, "OK man, but anything stupid shit and I'll just call the cops cuz I dont have a door guy." Aaron is all cool with is so, here come the shawtz. "27 Vegas Bombs, chilled," comes out of one asshole disciples mouth and the bartender looks over in absolute disgust. Aaron shouts, "nah nah nah dood, fawk that pussy shit... 30 shots of Jamo, dont listen to that asshole" So the bartender grabs 30 ROX glasses and pours em nice and fat... The glasses go in the air, the toast is made (same one as before, but this time by Moses cuz he ran to the shitter earlier to rip a few lines) and the glasses comes down, clink the bar and everyone pounds their Jamos.

Thankfully tonight there are no servers working for the guys to moleste so the guys keep powering out drink at the bar, however, here come the servers who are all off and ready to party, thats when shit gets really bad. The bartender calls his buddy who works there and they turn on the DJ equipment and BOOM, before you know it, the tootsie roll song is on and EVERYONE is dancing in the bar, even the old nasty decrepit foggies. Its reaching midnight and somehow EVERYONE is drunk but not completely shithaused (maybe from all the redbulls n blow) Then that clock strikes midnight and Jesus orders a round for the entire day and is like, "heres to the day after my bday, for all you poor fuckers to get drunk n shit" and whips a fawkn box across the room at Moses who is totally grinding on this skank that Jesus wanted. The bartender tries to cut of Jesus but hes like, "Dood, come on, we are paying your rent and the bars rent right now and its ma fakwn BIRFDAY bra!" The bartender warns him and tells him last time and next time you are out. Jesus is all like, ok ok, and gets his drink and circles for some daddy-issued girl to grind on.

The day after Jesus wakes up in Moses' garage with some total skank and is like, "umm, wtf." He tries to kreep his way out but she wakes up and is like, "u want a blowie?" Jesus is hung as shit but has the hangover-hornies so hes like, ummmmm YES! This lil water-muffin sucks him off and he blows a massive Jamo-infused load in her mouth, so much that she gags and it slips out the side of her mouth a lil. Jesus puts his pants back on and walks in the house only to find EVERYONE still awake raging, playing quarters, girls completely naked just walking around drinking, making out with the guys, each other, serving drinks, this is beyond debauchery, this is fawkn hedonism! Jesus looks over to Moses who is in the kitchen sporting only a red silky cape and womens cheetah print undies and is like, "DOOD." Moses just smiles at him and is like, "happy bday bub," and they proceed to powerdown drinks. Aaron comes up to Jesus, completely blown out of his gourd wearing a white sheet toga and a bra on his head and has a fawkn MOSNTER plate of blow and asks him, "party favor for the party boy?" Jesus is like, ehhhh, fawk it and rips a honker, grabs a beer and starts dancing in the dance-party.

Before you know it, its about 4pm and everyone is still going strong. No one has eaten a thing, more people have showed up, less clothes are being worn, more booze and drugs have arrived and the party its almost peaking at this time. No one knows how to get this party to the next level so they just keep raging. At this point Jesus is down to his tighty-whiteys and is on the coffee table dancing to "aint no mountain high enough" with a bag of blow and a shark knife he is ripping the lines from, he even kicked off his sandals! One of the disciples is trying to wearing them as earrings but is so fawkn coked out he keeps chewing on them and using them to spank one of the bikini cladded girls. Before you know it, its almost 10 and no one has left and the party has even grown a bit and thats when Aaron does the unexpected, he invites over the 3 kings and thats where everything just goes to shit. They come over with 6 totally HAWT chics and a ton of ecstasy. Before you know it, the party goes from a fun drunken/coke party to everyone rolling their fawkn balls off. The music wasnt enough so once again, Aaron makes a call and DJ Abraham shows up in about 20mins and then the party just completely ignites. He brings over his laptop and some speakers and completely fawkn destroys the place with mega fawkn trance/techno... Its now at the point where theres about 200 people all over this house just raging like a motherfucker! DJ Abe throws on some Hardwell and all of a sudden every fawkn girl rips her shirt off and his just going fakwn nuts, fawkn place would put a Vegas mega-club to shame at this point.

Its 3am and the party is still going strong, actually stronger as more people have showed up. Jesus is in the middle of the dancefloor doing a combo of robot/breakdancing and the crowd is going fawkn apeshit. At this point he's in a ripped up scarf that is protecting his junk from skidding across the floor, hair in a ponytail and blow caked all over his nose, he's still the center of attention. And then, then, then it happens. The cops show up at the door. Aaron answers it and the cops just walk in to basically a complete drug and sex infested orgy. Nothing to do at this point since everyone is of age and the guys with the drugs are outside getting ready to dump the shit if they get the signal, Jesus stumbles over just, just completely out of his mind, sporting his ripped scarf as undies and falls into the cops and is like "wana do some fawkn toot u fawkn fawkz?" Officer Pontius looks at him and is like, "THIS PARTY IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!" The other cop starts screaming and yelling and backup arrives. Officer Pontius grabs Jesus arm and another cop grabs the other arm and they drag Jesus out. Jesus is so drunk and coked out he can barely move and his feet are dragging and cross over each other and he kind of looks like his head is hanging down, and his arms are being held up by the cops, just beyond smashed and fawked out of his goard in a whole nohter world. He ends up in the cop car and the party ends.

That was Jesus Birthday Week...
N Shit.

I Know The Pieces Fit

Ive been thinking, no wait, Ive been almost obsessed with trying to write this blog for about 10 months now. I feel like I should start it with saying something like, "36 years ago a boy was born," but I don't want this long weird timeline of my events, Im not writing a book here (yet) just a blog on shit. So I guess I will go back about 2 years when I felt my life start to take a very important turn...

2 years ago I was bartending and managing the Lodge and o man, was I having fun! I mean, I was tearing thru ass, partying my dick off, meeting so many people, creating all these great friendships and memories, all while flying high on this new phase I was in. I was working out like a madman. I dropped like 40lbs of fat in 4 months totally legit and bulked up. I was jamming protein in my body, and well, out of my body! I was a fawk machine. All I wanted to do was so bang chics and hook up and live my fawkn life. And I did. I was riding high on the tidal wave, totally on top of my game. I absolooootly LOVED my job and my co-workers, I put everything into that place, my heart, soul, mind and, well yes, my dick. I fell in love with work again, with the Lodge...And then as all this excitement was going down, I got side-swiped.

I fell in love with someone I shouldnt have but I did. I really do not understand who or why I fell in love with this girl but I did. Maybe some weird opposites attract shit, maybe cuz the sex was new and fun and the time and I thought it would last, maybe cuz it was wuite scandalous at first, shit, I dunno why my heart picked this piece as the prize but it did. So after banging her for a while I fell in love. I mean that CRAZY like deep ass love you cant explain, that silly soul mate shit that people talk about, that cosmic connection shit you think is true but mathematically isnt, well whatever that shit is, it happened. Then she moved in. I asked her. I wanted her too. I had NO idea why at the time but now I do. A great combo of totally in love and trust. I didnt trust her. Ever. But still loved the livin shit out of her. Still cant comprehend why but I let it go long ago, and her.
She moved in and things got worse. Constant fights, arguing and a lot of domestic abuse on her end. Shit, in the beginning she got arrested, hog-tied and carried away by 4 DuPage sheriffs... Thats when shit just teed off. Went thru her phone after that, saw some shit that wasnt good, totally broke my OWN personal rules about privacy, but my excuse was "I HAD to know why she was acting like that." Yea, of course, there were other guys, and thru the almost year of bullshit, always were other guys. Not too mention never meeting her family or ANY of her friends. O wait, I met her sister. Yippie.

So Im dating this chic and working at the Lodge and its going good, but up and down. Things at work were really unstable. The owner, my boss, my mentor, my friend had been diagnosed with cancer and it didnt look good. But the other manager and I stuck with it for a while. We tried but we knew the end of our days were coming. For some reason I couldnt bare to see things head down that path so I jumped ship and got another job GMing down the street. I thought it would be a great learning experience for me since I had never been "THE BOSS" of a place. Little did I know I would never be "THE BOSS" because the owner of the new place was a very hands-on owner and I never felt like I would ever get the reigns to myself to lead that place in the right direction.

After 3 months of working there I quit. I didnt have anything lined up but I had been applying for a lot of jobs all over, even out west. Cali, Vegas and AZ. I didnt want to be in IL anymore, I never really did but I was too connected to her, that place, that man and a lot of other things, family and friends mainly. I spent a lot of time alone with my dog, sleeping, walking, hitting the gym and spending on and off time with her. I threw her out of my apartment in the middle/end of November, I was still employed at the new place but I was off that day. We had been fighting a lot, she had been lying so much I stopped caring. I would have Sun/Mon off and I would stumble down to the Lodge and get shithaused and go home and pass out and wake up and go back. I didnt like my job, my life, or much. So anyways, I am unemployed and I am being kind of a bitch, complaining and shit and not doing more to better my life. All the while, giving her more of a reason and openings to ditch me. I still loved the shit out of her, I just knew she wasnt good for me. I saw the toxic waste rise to the surface and smelled it, even nibbled on it a lil and yea, toxic. So I kept pushing and sending my resume out any and every where I could. I even ALMOST went back to a bar I worked at and by GOD I am sooooooooooooooooo happy I didnt cuz that place is just a SHITHOLE. Her bday was end of Nov and I made a really really really nice romantic evening for her/us at my place. Shit man, I went all out within my means. Fire going, light music on, rose on the table, rubbed her feet, blabla... She didnt care for it much. She told her krappy friends on FB that she didnt do anything for her bday. So yea, that hurt like a bitch. So skip all that crap a few weeks later she attacks me again in the car. Shes kind of drunk, driving of course, smacks and pushes my face, I tweak and take off. We of course "work things out" and yea, whatever. I get all rumpy'd that night at the lodge (mind u not working there) with my friends. My face is a lil red and banged but whatever, its nothing new. So Dec goes by and I keep thinking about moving back west.

Its NYE and Im having a pre and post party at my place. I invite any and everyone over and it was a great time. The pre party was fun, really fun and so was the post party. We ended up at the Lodge for a lil in between and that was fun too. So I wake up NY day and end up cleaning a HUGE pile of puke off my couch her sister left. They leave, I fall back asleep, wake up and nothing feels right. Something feels wrong. Like I get this instinct, something in the universe isnt right. I text her some shit, she denies some shit, I tell her that something isnt right, she gets mad at me. Whatever. I trust my gut. A few weeks go by, things are meh. I mean she barely wants to bang, the sex had gotten REALLY fawkn stale after she locked me ina few months after we were official, I was applying all over but no dice and to top it all off, it was fawkn cold as fawk outside so I couldnt go anywhere really.

So this one time she comes over after school (college) and we hang and are suppose to bang. We go in my room, get ready and something aint right. We are kissing, and shes not into it, she keeps turning her head away when Im tryin to bang, then she wants the bangage a different way becuz "she wants to enjoy the sex" something she always has but for some reason put an emphasis on. We go doggy and shes not digging it becuz Im not. My body begins to shutdown. Its literally telling me NO, STOP, dont bang this chic dood. So we go for the standard way for her to gush which is her on top but she refuses to take her bra off, WEIRD. She NEVER was like that. So we are banging kind of and I go limp, AGAIN. OK folks, Im putting this out there. I NEVER go limp, OK maybe some wasted ass sex times, but never once sober. So shes riding me and my dick just goes soft, again telling me NO STOP dood. So she gets off me and stands up and starts crying. I hold her, tell her I love her and shes upset thinking shes ugly or some shit. I tell her no way, shes beautiful and I love her too much and all that shit. She leaves. I sit in my room and start to cry, I was a mess, I had no idea WTF was going on with me. WHY?

A week later we get into a text fight and she comes over. Its Jan 23rd and its about 4PM and I am standing in my kitchen telling her its over. The over over like its ACTUALLY over and shes laughing at me at first. I then go on to tell her things and she realizes it then and there, shit this is over, but still says shit like "you'll never find anyone like me that will love you the way I did" or "you are going to come to your senses like you always do and say you made a mistake" and shit like that. But I knew it was over. I helped put her bike in her car and she says to me, "now what" I tell her "Its like this. It was a good run. We walk away from each other and go on our separate lives." Shes like "are you serious" I said "Yes, and I go to high five her or something and she just looks at me. I walk away and shes still in the street waiting for some weird movie scene where I am going to run and beg her back. HELLLL NAH nigga! She so KRAYKRAY!

Feb 14 rolls around and shes all in love and dating her new boyfriend, yup, I knew it. One of the guys she had been talking too, then hanging out with and then prolly fawkn while she was "still with me." It kinda hurt but I knew she was a lying cheating lil whorebag so I just kinda was like, whatever.

Feb 23 rolls around and my old owner, my mentor, my boss, my friend passed away. I was a mess, a total and complete mess. I was so connected to him and what he had to say, how he said things, who he was, everything about him. I loved that man so much. I went to his wake, then to his funeral.

Then the Lodge closed. I wasnt employed there at the time but the GM, a dear friend of mine to this day, asked me to come in and bartend the last day they were open, ironically a Sunday. I came in and the place was emotionally empty. Its spirit was gone. It was very difficult to look people in the eye knowing that was the last day it would ever be open as The Lodge. I closed out my shift and the closers came on who only worked a few hours. We called last call at 6PM and got everyone out by 7PM. Some of us left for a bit, but we came back to reminisce and hangout after close. To have one last drink, shot, time together as The Lodge.

I started spending a lot of time in the gym after that. Trying to focus my attention on bettering myself. I was writing more and I was going out here and there. In the spring we even had "moon tower" parties in the parking lot of the Lodge. We couldnt let the place go. It was too special to some of us. People made fun of us but I think they may have been jealous that they never cared enough about a place to be that loyal. Eventually the parties ended as the summer approached. The pool and vball courts were in full force and I got a job bartending in downtown Naperville.

I like the place I was bartending. I met some great people there, some nice looking ladies, had some, well ummm, FUN and so on. But I knew I wouldnt make that a home cuz well, I kept thinking about moving back west, a place I call "Home"

ALLLLLL this time, going back 2years ago (actually the time table of events for this next go back 3yrs but I am trying to NOT bore you) So yea, jump back about 2yrs I am on the phone with my boy talking about a vaca to Vegas/LA. We had talked about moving to LA together but I was wrapped up in my shit and he was always like, "come on bra, make the move bra." We are friends, close friends, besties , we are BOYS to the B-O-Y-S! All this time we keep in touch, talk about moving to LA with him, its always in my head becuz my dream since CHILDHOOD has been to work and live in LA, yes, a long ass dream to LIVE and WORK in LA. I always wanted it to be my home. I vacationed out there alone when I was 21 and I was like, yup, I wana live here. My journey is a lot longer than what I am writing, but like I said, dont wana bore ya. So anyways, I keep in touch with him. I go see him. We talk, facetime, text, etc. And the whole time I keep thinking I should be there, this is the time...And then I look at what happened to me...

2 years ago I transformed my body in 4 months. GRANTED I didnt stick with it, but I did it with the help of a dear friend who is a personal trainer. I pushed myself physically harder than I ever have.
I fawked a lot of chics and then started dating one.
I fell head over heels in love with her so I knew in my heart that I could really love the shit out of someone.
I threw my entire body, mind and soul into work knowing I have what it takes.
I left that behind to work a place as "The Boss" which ultimately put such a strain on my relationship that it eventually drove us apart.
We started the "on and off" shit that I KNEW was even more toxic
Then I was out of work and spent time looking at jobs out west, getting that urge back, the urge that had always been there, the flame re-ignited
Then my mentor passed away and our physical connection was gone.
Then the place I spent 9/10years of my life working closed.
And then it was over. Everything ended. All in order for new beginnings. 

Everything came to an end in the beginning of 2014. The chain of events make sense. So many things happened in my life that ended all so something real and beautiful could come of it. My destiny was there the whole time just waiting for me to jump back on. Personally, MY life, these things had to happen for me to get back on the right track and start the new chapter in my life. I am so heavily connected to things I put my heart in, it takes a pretty big incident to stop the passion and love. Everything that happened, happened for that reason, my reason. Its like the scene in the movie Boiler Room where Seth says something like "What if I never answered that door." Thats how I felt with the smash bag of a girlfriend. If I didnt date her, who knows what woulda happened? Maybe knock up a server? Find a different place to work and lose track of my ultimate goal? I dunno, but things worked out for me. I had to go thru those 2years of ups and downs to get where I needed to be. 2014 was the most secretive rebuilding year of my life. And there was one guy keeping me focused on all of it and hes out in LA waiting for me.

My rebuilding year is almost over and I am really fawkn ready for the new year. New jobs, new city/state, new friends, new chapter in life....

I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication.

I now know that the pieces fit...

Behind The Yellow Door

The significance of yellow roses is based on friendship, to wish someone the best, to compliment a friendship and so on. This past year has been a very eye-opening adventure. I have gained some friends, I have lost some friends, I have strengthened some friendships and I have weakened some friendships. Ultimately it's based on how each of us grows as a person, to and from others, kind of like a vineyard. The way we wrap ourselves through, in, out, around, up and down.
We talk about our "best friends" or "good friends" or in my case, friends vs "friends." I shoot off about some of my "best friends" and each is different in their own way. In this day in age, we are allowed to have more than one. We can have a few because in the end, those few "best friends," may be our only friends. I've spent a lot of time with one of my best friends and I never realized who he was until recently. He is my father. My hero. My blood. My inspiration to go out in this world and live MY dream. He keeps me real and grounded and honest with who I am and what I can do. He is a man of very few words, but everyone of those words its not only though-provoking but sincere and direct.
Thumbing through the ever-growing social media I find myself agreeing more with some and disagreeing more with others and thankfully I am adult enough to be OK with that. But what beats that is having a strong and real conversation with a group of people in a physical face-to-face setting. I enjoy long deep conversations about life, existence, passion, love, hate, music and film. I love to engage in what other people have to say about any and all topics. It allows me to grow as a person if I keep an open mind with anyone I encounter. It strengthens me as a writer and, well, a friend.
Friendships can start anywhere. Accidentally, at work, at the gym, at a show, etc. Then you kind of court those people, hang out, do your best to impress and then ultimately show your true colors and see if they still contact you to grab lunch or dinner. If your phone goes silent and you miss them, Jesus, just call them. Don't get all arrogant and think that they should call you, just pick up your RAD smartphone and do some old school shit and CALL the motherfucker. Or find out what broke the communication line between the two of you and see if it's salvageable.
I remember reading all these cute and silly lil articles in my 20s about growing up and only having a handful of friends, I never and couldn't ever believe it. I was working at a really fun bar, living in cool places, having the time of my life, dating girls and well, you know the rest. I thought to myself, "only boring people have a few friends, I have a ton of friends." Skip to present day and well, they are right. When you look at life, you can really count on your hand how many people will come through for you in the clutch if things ever really got ugly. It's one thing to call someone for a favor, to help move, to crash at their place and so on. But when it comes to a serious fawkn situation, not everyone is going to pull through for you.
Friendships don't have to be with people you communicate with everyday or every week. A true and solid friendship is one that is the cliche of, "picking up where you left off." That simple. If you can just understand that as you grow older and start complicating your life with things, not everyone can hangout and talk on the phone all day and/or night. But the ability to just pick up, call, bullshit and let that person know you miss them or are thinking about them is what a real friendship is all about.
When we walk through this life, we don't always pay attention to what's around us. It's not easy when we are so focused and driven on success and happiness and financial stability. I'm not going to tell you some shit about, "stopping and smelling the roses," we all know what we should do to better ourselves and the people around us, so do it if you think it should be done. And don't bitch out and text or email someone, or even worse, facebook message em, grab your cell phone and call that person. Remind your brain that they still exist outside a computer screen.
Childhood is the time when we learn how to start friendships and unfortunately, lose friendships. You start with your siblings, brothers, sisters and cousins. Then you move outside of the box with neighborhood kids and classmates and shit. When you're a kid, it's so nice and easy. You both like this sport, team, toy, etc and you become friends. Then life complicates it. You get into your teens, cool crowds, drugs, jobs, girls/boys and you gain and lose friends. College hits and it's the same thing but elevated. But that's when you hopefully start to think for yourself, develop your own opinions on things other than sports, teams, jobs, girls/boys, clothes and so on. Then you hit the workforce and you start buying and/or renting and it continues to "evolve" if I may. Then you get married, have kids, or you stay single and date/fawk. That's where life ultimately tests any and all friendships. If you can sustain a friendship with someone that ISN'T about your current life and they live a completely opposite life, that's a true and valued friendship. I've seen too many and been a part of plenty where someone gets married, has a kid or 2 or 3 or a lizard or dog or pet bat and they/we just stop talking or communicating. Maybe every once in a while you shoot them a text, or like their facebook status about something about the past, but you move on, you find new friends with a stronger commonality with your present life and that's that. The events of today are the memories of yesterday so keep them close to your heart.
I personally have been up, way up, in the clouds and down, way down, in the gutter and well, of course I'd love to be way up up in the sky but the reality is, when you land on your own two feet, on the ground, you pay attention to much more than that high of being, well way up in the clouds. Almost like being in love. That feeling is like nirvana, orgasmic, a total natural high that some chase and some steer clear of. Jaded, hurt, obsessed, addicted, whatever the case may be, being in love is incredible for every human. Then there's being content and comfortable which is typically what we all end up doing. It's OK, it's what the majority of people want. To come home after work, throw on sweats, eat and lay on the couch or start making gingerbread houses. I am OK with that, hell I'm more than OK with that. If that's what you choose to do, I support you, as a friend. But if my choice is to go out for drinks on a Friday night, catch a band or party, and stay out late, I hope you keep your finger from waving it at me.
Writing is my friend, my best friend. Writing will never judge me or cast me out or laugh at me. Writing will always be there for me no matter how high in the clouds I am or low in the gutter I am. Rich or poor, writing is here and will always be here for me. This is my passion, this is what I live for, this is what I'd die for, this is what keeps me going. Thanksgiving is this week and it's suppose to be about getting together with friends, family and to literally, "give thanks," to whomever or whatever we want too. I want to give thanks to all of you for reading my shit cuz, well, it means more to me than you think.

Thank You.

Do What You Want.

Lately I've been reading these cute lil articles about what you should and shouldn't do if you are single, not single, in your 20s, in your 30s, in a relationship, if you enjoy traveling, if you want to live this life, that life, if you have brown hair vs red hair. But I guess since you read it on social media it has to be true or has to be dead on. Some of them I DO agree with, but come on, those certain ones are fawkn no-brainers.

Here is some fawkn advice for any of you shitfawks who actually read this.

Do what you want!

Stop reading these things and actually thinking they are truthful. They are written by shitballs you don't know, that don't know you, that are telling you what to do with your life. Do what you want to do, within reason of course. Don't be a total dipshit. However. There are some articles that I agree with but that's because they are so warm-hearted and supportive of people in that category; a fawkn easy ass win! That's why I am writing this lil piece of shit, because it takes the simplicity of alllll the articles and simplifies it to bare basics.

If you are in your 30's and you want to drink out of a red solo cup, go right tha fawk ahead. If you are in your 20s and you truly met the love of your life and want to get married, go right tha fawk ahead. If you are single and want to date and get into relationships, go right tha fawk ahead. Whatever you do, do NOT let some article by some stranger tell you what to do.

Maybe traveling the world is for you, or isn't for you. It just may or may not appeal to you. Maybe living in dozens of different cities your entire life is what YOU want to do with your life. Maybe you actually DON'T want to have kids or DON'T want to get married or DON'T want to live the life others are living. Maybe you are living that life and you WANT kids and WANT to be married but you stuck yourself in a position of not being able too or afford too. Whatever the case may be, just go live your life how you feel so. Anyone that "gives their opinion" on your decisions is probably a pretentious asshole who is either jealous of your life or is miserable with their own, so walk away and know that you are living your life the way you want too.

Because...

I am some shitball you may or may not know telling you what to do with your life. 

But at least I admit it and don't drop a guilt shit on your chest.

Social Media n Shit

I've been weening off my comfort zone of writing lately and diving back into creative writing and short stories and fiction and shit but now I kinda feel like just shitting on everything Ive been discussing via social media and in person.

First off, I am no fawkn keyboard warrior. The shit I blast out onto computer screens and iPhone screens is the same shit I am going to tell you to your face. The difference between me and a keyboard warrior is that premise alone along with the fact that I am not going to say anything too outrageous, wait maybe I will, but either way, I'll stand my ground for my weird or normal or whatever tha fawk opinion. So I am just going to start listing shit and saying what I want. I hope you don't take offense because if you do, I really don't care.

...Kim Kardashian's Ass Pic vs Milano's Breastfeeding Pic
I dont get the hoopla with titties in public that are feeding babies, what I have the problem with is women who want to go out of their way to whip a tit out and breastfeed. Men are pigs and we see that shit and most of us will get weird. Put a blankie over yer tit and proceed. I dont care, Im all about breastfeeding in public but have some decency for others. Kim's ass is huge and prolly photo tha fawk shopped. I dont even know why ANYONE with an IQ higher than cricket shit care about her. She holds ZERO value as far as actual worth goes in regards to news. Just ignore her shit and compliment her looks like shes any above attractive lookin chic.
...Catcalling Viral Vids.
Whos to say those vids WERENT staged because, well the DRUNK girl one was technically staged as was the first one in NYC. If you go looking for shit, you'll prolly find it. If you want Barlett pears and Jewel doesnt have them, you goto Aldi or whatever to GET WHAT YOU WANT. If you wana catch muskie, you use muskie lures. And not all the guys in the vids were actually catcalling. Some were just nice and acknowledged her as a human. If thats what some of you over sensitive liberal women think is catcalling, then stay in your bubble of a home and wave your finger via social media at everything you disagree with. Whistling at women, saying dirty shit, yea, thats non sense and it sucks it happens, but DO something about it. Dont just make videos and throw it out there and sit back and watch all us assholes bitch about it. What have those "actors and producers" done afterwards to help prevent whatever tha FAWK it is they are trying to prove here?
... Basic Politics.
If you really think there is a difference between Republicans and Democrats, you are sorely mistaken. Your vote counts, it counts as much as the dollar you are putting in the pocket of that politician you voted for. Your votes are bought, you are bought and until the people of this great country stand up and REVOLT we will all continue to indulge in the stupidity of the "two party system" and all the other bullshit in DC. So continue getting tattoos, cats, piercings, foodporn pics, "so excited statuses" and updating your Facebook on your whereabouts (kinda like me.)
...Tattoos and Religion.
Companies are being more open to tats and less open to religion or something? But people who are all tatted out are getting more concerned and care about showing off their ink. I love it. Ink rocks, it can be sexy and shit but its gotten really old. Quit bitching about some major corporation you will NEVER work for or even WANT to work for because they have a rule about visible tattoos. Not everyone wants their staff to have jacked up ink showing off a busted ass sailboat they got from some tattoo intern who was working his craft and completely fawked up the design. Seriously, just get over it. If you have a problem with a company that isn't tattoo friendly, DON'T fakwn work there. And if you decide to get a tattoo of an animal on you, it better have a fawkn meaning. If you start just getting inked up with a bunch of stupid fawkn cats or something, you are basically saying you are a incompetent idiot and have zero idea of expression or art, you are just some idiot burro trying to be a thoroughbred.  And this religion thing is just fawkn out of hand. I see these obviously fake memes or some shit about some Muslim kid who gets to pray like 7 times a day at school but they wont let kids say "God bless you" or some shit. I dont buy it. I believe in the total and complete freedom of religion or to not be religious at all. Enough if it already, OK! I dont care if you think your god is better than my god or your energy is better than mine or you just dont give a shit and dont believe in anything, I can still socialize with you no matter what because I AM A FAWKN ADULT an I THRIVE on interacting with people I have differences with. It helps me GROW as a person!
...Transgender, Tranny, Whatever they want to be called.
I didn't know until recently that "tranny" is now an offensive word to people that are pre/post op transgender or whatever. I mean, I didnt get a memo sent to me in my "newspeak," newspaper about the language we are attempting to change. STOP already. How is this all of a sudden "offensive" if its whats been being said for so long? I dont get it. Help me out here. I understand that the word "faggot" and "retard" are no longer socially acceptable in regards to pretty much anything, but whos to decide that? Why is it that some people just decide to be offended and then go off and become offended? I am offended by shit, but I am big enough and strong enough to not acknowledge it and move on. The "n-word" has DEEP seeded roots of a lot of bad shit, so we arent allowed to say it. And then the blacks themselves say it constantly which is another one of those "WHAT THA FAWKS" in life. So I dont even bother. Its like, why even? So if there are any trannys reading this, please explain to me how this is a harmful term and how its been used against you for hundreds of years to keep you down, K? Thanks.
...Malaysian Flight 370 or Whatever 
Seriously, what tha fawk happened to this thing?
...Ebola
The scariest thing to hit us that has barely hit us is hitting us. I think it's like at an American death toll of 2 now? I think more people died in Four Lakes in one year than Ebola has killed Americans this year, yet this gets headlines. I did notice that when the elections were around, Ebola went silent. Now it just kind of pops up again all over. And then theres the meme about AIDS and condoms and shit and ya know, thats a good one. Plenty of us are out there fawkn and not wearing condoms and no one cares about getting Aids, we just care about NOT gettin Ebola. Cuz ya know, all of us work in hospitals that take care of Ebola patients.
...Ferguson
That fawkn NIGHTMARE of a situation that of course, has to turn into a race riot becuz those assholes are making it one, yea and the fawkn cocksucking mainstream media who is just pure shit. Seriously, thats a mess down there. Its this giant fawkn disgrace to humanity, everything thats happening. From Obama all the way down to the rioters, everything. I see memes, vid footage, read articles, all and I mean ALL are spun by who tha fawk ever to make you think a certain way. If its right wingy, its guna say the cop is a good guy and was protecting himself. If its left wingy its guna say the cop killed a helpless BLACK teen. Either way, its all bullshit. Once you let the facts out, then you can decide. The problem with today is, the people behind the "facts" are just as bad as the cowards creating the problem and reporting the problem. Its a mess and the media and those pieces of shit in DC love it.
...Rescue Animals
I rescued my cat and my dog and I am a proud rescue parent, but stop stop stop telling people what they should do with their money and pets. If you want to get a puppy off a breeder or website or whatever LEGIT company, that should be OK. Not everyone wants a busted up dog or cat or pony that pisses every time you play "Warehouse" by DMB because it's previous owner was a drunk frat boy that would pound Busch Light and Jager and beat the dog because he was beat by his hillbilly father who would listen to Hank Williams. If you want to buy some $2,000 miniature "dog" or whatever, go right ahead and do so, its YOUR money YOU worked for. If you want to rescue a dog, same shit. O yea, I LOVE Pits, awesome dogs, but there are other dogs you can rescue. Just throwing that out there to anyone in the market for a new pup. I know they are cool now and what not, but you can still get like some mutt or ragged ass dog who will hangout with you and shit.
...Common Core Crap
I dont have kids, I dont know if I ever will, but I care about kids because one day they will be "running this country" n shit. But this common core is a joke. We are trying to be smarter than the Chinese, why? Why do we care about who is smarter? Why dont we stick to our way, they do it their way and we continue to trade products and eat rice and burgers? I think that some assholes aka politicians, not even TEACHERS are pushing this for something thats not even about actual education. My crazy conspiracy is this... If we start manipulating the way we educate kids, start dropping approval ratings for passing and what not, we start looking like more kids are getting good grades, which means we have all these kids "getting good grades," because the system is now designed to make sure every student graduates and gets into either A. the work force or B. college. Two things in which the government is going to financially RAPE you on. You get into the workforce right away means you start paying taxes and being a part of the machine. Buying shit you dont need, consuming, etc. You goto college means you take out loans and are in debt to Uncle Sam prolly for life. Lower college expectations is the way to go for DC. Get more people hooked on the tit of America and make them all dependent on the system longer. What a great scam.
...The NFL
This, this once great organization, sport, etc has just turned to shit, pure shit. I love football, it is and will always be my number one, but the NFL is bad, really bad right now. This Goodell assclown may be the worst leader of a major organization in God knows how long. The rules are getting too complicated, there are flags CONSTANTLY for rules they just made up that year and it seems like all of us just sit back and buy pink jerseys, which is another fawkn scam in itself, and buy overpriced tickets and pay $20 for a beer and hotdog and scream in hate and in happiness for our team. And all this shit with the domestic abuse with players and how its been going on for however long and all of a sudden NOW we find out some shit went down "behind closed doors" or whatever. I hate to say this to all the people riding the waves, but that shit happens daily in every type of industry on the planet. If you want to throw stones at glass houses becuz someone caught a fight or a punch on camera, thats all fine and dandy, but first look at yourself in the mirror. Kicking people out the NFL because of this is to make the mass happy. If the NFL kept AP, Ray Rice, etc in the NFL and they just said, "sorry, they are staying," do you really think that everyone would just STOP watching? STOP buying tickets, watching, etc. All of a sudden America just stops watching football on Sundays because the NFL had a different opinion on what you think is right or wrong? If we care so much about the NFL and domestic violence, why aren't more people protesting DC and the disgusting shit happening there?
Social Media Lovers vs Social Media Haters
This is where I get nice and worked up. I am old enough to know how things were "back in the day" of chatrooms and pre-chatroom days where people actually interacted in person. But I love social media for a variety of things. Communication, exploration, education and information. If I dont want to see your 20th selfie of the day or pic of your "OMG, this is so AMAZING" chicken and rice and veggies you cooked, I'll just HIDE you on facebook or stop following you on IG or mute you on Twitter. Whatever. If you are on social media, that means you have a reason or reasonS to be there, you didnt just pull out a card at the store and they are like, "you are now on all social media sites and they are linked to your phone." You have to ACTIVELY sign up, add/follow people and so on, so if you don't like shit, then DONT get on board with it. If you dont want to see the millionth pic of your friends kid doing what every fawkn kid does which is being a kid, then hide that shit or stop following them. If you have a problem with grown men taking selfies, then dont look at them. Fawkn EHH, why is it OK that celebs and athletes and those fawks can take selfies but some sexy fawkn beast cant take a selfie/check-in at his bartending gig? If you dont like whatever social media site you are on, learn how to limit your shit, dont just bitch about it, DO something about it for shits sake! I DO understand that some people are WAY too involved in it which brings me to the hate part. Sometimes you need to break out of your home and actually experience life ya know? Like instead of reading about it on facebook or seeing the pics on IG, go fawkn interact with people face to face. Take a drive to a different part of town or something. Get out and LIVE. Stop just being so falsely extroverted. Which leads me to the overly happy/excited people. If you are so gawd damn fawkn happy and excited, STOP fawkn around on social media and ENJOY THA FAWKN MOMENT! Seriously, just stop. I went and saw TOOL a few years ago in Vegas at the Mandalay Bay. I was third row and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I have a handful of pics from AFTER the show and thats it. I updated my facebook a few times on what songs were playing and then actually, ENJOYED the show without going social media crazy. If I am out somewhere and having a truly "amazing time," then I am not fawkn around on my phone. If I am out and I am posting pics and updates and check-ins, I am either having a decent time or bored to shit. And I know you are too.