What is YOUR Spirit Animal?

I had recently wrote a detailed description of the meanings behind spirit animals and as promised, I am writing the 2nd edition to it.
When figuring out your spirit animal and how it represents you, there is a very methodical and scientific way that is virtually flawless. Most people are within a 10 animal category but on occasion, a few slip thru the cracks which I have recently discovered and this has opened up the floodgates considerably. As I continue my intercontinental research on the subject, I will give you the first edition of...
"What Is YOUR Spirit Animal?"

0...
Italian Stallion:
The Italian Stallion is a creature that was first seen in the 1970's and depicted in a number of ways. You may not be very intelligent, you may actually be pretty dumb, but you have a really great heart and may be on the short side. You have a problem speaking outside of the standard skills of someone from a third world country but you have brute physical force. The best careers for you have little or nothing to do with communicating to humans and would be best fit as an expendable, dancer or washroom attendant back up.

1...
Mother Fucker:
The Mother Fucker is a very very VERY special creature in the sense that it doesn't always just fuck mothers, but it's been known to actually mother fuck a situation, person, tree, animal, event or in the strangest of cases, it actually can mother fuck a mother fucker. Mother fuckers are destined for greatness, but don't always go about it in the traditional style, sometimes they mother fuck their way in and out of unfortunate situations and sometimes they mother fuck their way into your life. Mother fuckers have the best careers in recruiting, sales, ushers at movie theaters, bartenders, bar managers, but most obvious, entertainers.

2...
Armenian Snow Leopard:
The beautiful and delicate animal is something that you may never encounter ever, ever, ever in your frivolous life. This nomadic being is one that depicts the uncertainty of your everyday life. You aren't always sure if you really wanna "do it," so sometimes you just do it and deal with the consequences later. Armenian snow leopards are often seen as not much of a threat to the average person, but can have a wicked temper and short fuse if pushed into a corner or bent over an afterhours bathroom sink. They are generally GOOD people but sometimes can be a bit on the hoey side. The careers that best fit them would be something in the line of mechanics, dealers, Starbucks regulars, bros, or floral decor person.

3...
Pooja:
The Pooja, ooooo the Pooja, it's kind of like a Koala bear yet nothing like it at all, in the sense that it thinks it knows everything yet knows nothing. The pooja is someone who is usually found scouring the Internet for WEBMD facts in order to strengthen their case on a debate about something they know little or nothing about. They use Google as their main weapon of attack and also use "life experiences" as a way to explain something they know nothing about. Poojas can be very sincere, honest and nice but have a deadly knife ready to attack at anytime, they are like those savages from that Daniel Day Lewis flick where is is yelling "I will find you," in the rain n shit. Poojas best careers paths are ones where they have to do as little work as possible and can talk a lot and do a little.

4...
Detective Chewy:
These are the animals that most people would say are, "just fawkn weird." You can always point one out in a crowd because they will most likely be wearing one of those big stupid hats that don't look cool on anyone, male or female or tranny. They are a bit on the creative bright side, but a bit on the dumb side when it comes to being socially stable. You can find them in shitty bookstores, walking around chewing on hay, or if you think you are one, you probably don't think you are one, but numbers don't lie and if you are a 4, you are a Detective Chewy. These people are best in the careers of not fashion, bridge club members, cigar rollers and
Birkenstock sales and manufactures.

5...
Kitten:
I love kittens, I love all of them, if you are a kitten, I will love you and love you forever. Kittens are magical lil fawkers who are usually under the height of 5'5 and have dark hair and tattoos of kittens or motorcycles or even tattoos of tattoos. Kittens like to be held, fed milk and played with a lot, but when they are done with you, they are done with you and I mean that in both the figurative and literal sense. Kittens are often found playing a lot listening to Bobby Rayburn while they sip Drambuie from a authentic 1950's snifter. Their best career paths are typically in anything relating to Frank, helping kids, feeding animals or pretending to be someone they are not, sometimes even being someone they are not for an extended amount of time.

6...
Chon Chon:
If your spirit animal is the delicious chon chon, I must meat you. Chon chons are usually of Mexican descent and are usually fun and neat people. You have a tendency to be very chon chony and have a strong way of yelling, "toot toot," or, "bomba," or even, "keeechen clozd ese." If you are one, you may also be a fan of Barbara Streisand or Winnie The Pooh. You have a strong liking for the arts of paper making as well, or even an interest in machetes n shit. Your best career paths are pilots, engineers, flight simulator creators, java developers and on special occasions, cement mixers.

7...
Gumby:
If you are a Gumby, you are most likely a decent person. You may lack some basic skills of choosing the right things to do at the right moments, but you'll always have a sidekick pony around to deter you from going to far into a bad choice. You are delicate, nurturing, strong, weak, hopeless, hopeful, peaceful and war minded. You may not always been green, but you may sometimes be green. You may even be an off green, but that's because you got left out in the sun too long. If you end up being a 7, just look at the bright side, at least you are still alive, even if you are dead inside. Your best career choices are, I really don't know, you guys are really hard to read and sometimes I think you are reptilian people like Obama.

8...
Summer:
If you are an 8, you are probably pretty hot as a person. You take life serious but at the same time you take life not so serious, like you know how to have fun n shit. You are a good worker and deserve hugs but sometimes you get tired and need to sleep. Sexy eyes and a smile go along with your typical physical trait and that stems from whats going on upstairs. You like to read blogs or maybe you don't. I haven't really figured it out because I actually have no clue what I'm talking about but that doesn't matter because what I am saying is factual. Summer breeze, makes me feel fine. The best career choices for you are a cook not a chef, a woodsman, builder of some sort, brain surgeon or princess.

9...
Subotai:
The ole Subotai, not to be confused with subway or sub o rotten or Jared. This lil fawker is a good one. Sneaky you are, fast you are, committed you are, loyal you are. You may carry a bow and arrow set and wear pelt skins instead of clothes. You enjoy hiking, checkers, craps and pisses. You are enthusiastic about jumping off buildings but you may be scared of a lil wind, even the ones you break. You are good natured and have a strong soul but sometimes you get out of hand with your liquor and that could be because you are a drunk and cant handle your shit. The best career choices for you are a governor, dictator, potato farmer, polisher, mean streets quoter or belly ring installer.

10...
Bonus:
If you are a 10, well shit, you are a fawkn dime and a bonus at the same time, you like Jonas and Busta Rhymes, coming out like the LA Times. Fast and hard, with no lard, skinny and sexy driving a lexy. Gimmie dat ass, or eat my grass, live and let live, or live and let die, either way, we are gonna get high, on someone else's supply and do a drive by, shooting bullets of hotness into houses of loneliness, like two dope boys in a Cadillac, matter of fact, get yourself a dime this time and quit committing the ultimate crime, of killing time.

That's about it. I'm kind of hungry and want to save energy for my third edition of this. If you are having a hard time trying to figure out which number you are, just read them all again, whichever one you like the most, that's probably you and if your number doesn't match to it, that's ok because you can always work towards what you want in life, even if it's not your designated number, but what you truly feel is..
YOUR Spirit Animal...

Spirit Animal Meanings

Spirit Animal Meanings

By Trevor A. Keveloh

There are many different meanings when seeing an animal randomly, in a dream or an animal that isn’t typically in the area in which you saw it. Sometimes that animal just wants to go play, eat or fawk. Maybe that animal had a job interview or maybe that animal got all fawked up and ended up in the wrong hood after a long night of boozing and smoking. Here is some insight on the meanings behind seeing certain animals and what they represent…

Walrus:

If you see a walrus in the ocean, it’s probably because it lives there. If you see it in the zoo, it’s probably now a prisoner to humans because it lost a bet or maybe it’s just a bad walrus. If you see one in your dream, I really don’t know, I mean who dreams of a walrus often? If you see one on land or like in a strange place, you are probably smoking some really wicked shit that could be laced with something like paint thinner.

Grizzly Bear:

If you see a grizzly bear it’s probably because you are at the zoo or in an area where you typically see them. If you see one in a place it shouldn’t be, like your house or the park or somewhere like that, it’s probably a sign you should get the fawk out of there and call a park ranger.

Black Bear:

Why’s it gotta be a BLACK bear? Why can’t it just be a BEAR?!?! Fawkn racists!           

Deer:

If you are seeing a lot of deer it’s because deer are around a lot. If you dream about a dear its maybe cuz you were thinking or talking about them recently and your brain is resting and shit.

Dolphin:

If you see a dolphin in your dream it’s because dolphins are cool and they communicate with humans in the dream world. If you see one at the park or hiking, it’s probably lost and needs help getting home. Be a good neighbor and help out a dolphin, “help a dolphin out,” n shit.

Anaconda:

If you see an anaconda out and about, hopefully you are in South America or some shit because they really don’t just go out and about. The anaconda represents a giant ass snake and also represents every girl with a big ass. If you dream about and anaconda it could be because it don’t want none unless you got buns hun.

Flying Chilean Monkey:

If you see one of these, I gotta know. Hit me up!

Turtle:

If you see a turtle out in nature, it’s probably because they live all over and shit. If you dream about one the reason is because turtles are pretty cool. I mean they don’t represent anything hugely amazing, they are slow and cute and harmless, they are basically like pet rocks that can swim that you have to feed and occasionally change their litter box.

Cagle:

If you are reading this, email me back you shithead.

Dutch Lion:

These are a very interesting breed of lions mainly because they don’t actually exist. If you see one on the sidewalk or something, Id get a gun and shoot it or get a box, 2 by 4 and a slab of meat and try to catch it. If you dream about one, it means a fortune is coming your way and you should go play some scratch offs.

Jive Turkey:

If you see a Jive Turkey in the wild, watch out for it, it could be trying to hustle you. If you dream of one, it’s because you are watching a lot of Blaxplotation movies. IF you see one just chilling or walking around, don’t bum it a smoke.

Armenian Race Car Driver:

If you see one, it’s probably your uber/lyft driver. If you dream of one, well that’s weird but my guess is because you have been using those services a lot and your brain has nothing else to do other than dream about your driver.

Cat:

If you see a cat or cats it’s prolly cuz cats are common. If a black one crosses your path it’s because it’s a cat and had somewhere to go, BUT they could also mean bad luck. I’m really not sure on this one. If you dream of a cat or “cats” it’s prolly cuz they are cool, or “cool as a cat,” and you should wake up and kiss your kitty.

Pigeon:

If you see a pigeon, GET THE FAWK OUTTA THERE. If you dream of a pigeon, it’s because you were watching a bio on Tyson and he had pet pigeons. If you meet one and it’s nice, well I dunno, stir up a convo and find out whets up.

Chia Pet:

If you see one in the wild, take a picture and make sure to put it on instagram. If you see one in your dream, it’s a sign that you are asleep and dreaming. If you see one cross a busy street, keep and eye on it so it doesn’t get hit by a car.

Bunny:

If you see a bunny in the wild, leave it alone. If you dream about a bunny or “bunnies,” hopefully it’s the Playboy bunnies are you are smashing them.

That’s all I got for now. Part 2 and/or the extended version will be up in a few days.

How To Properly Eat Pussy

FILTH’s Survival Guide

Edition #24

How To Properly Eat Pussy

By Trevor A. Keveloh

Well my friends, lately I’ve been writing some things that aren’t in the realm of FILTH, so here is something to bring you back to the good ole days…

The proper technique of eating pussy can vary from state to state, country to country and so on. Some people enjoy the good ole fashioned, shove your tongue in there and let that bad boy do the work. Some people prefer the teeth, tongue combo which can be a tricky bitch. And some people go all in, Texas Hold Em Style and get their fingers, knuckles, palms, and elbows in that bitch.

Personally I’m a fan of the whole Trivago. That’s the name I’m giving it, “The Whole Trivago.” It’s basically a hybrid of the last one and some of my own personal style I’ve gained since that sweet poon I devoured in high school.

First and foremost, eating the poon isn’t about you, it’s about HER. You need to find out what makes her tick, and I’m talking not just getting her lady-finger hard, but upstairs. Women are delicate creates which is why they often stray away from dick. Some men can’t really get in tune with the poonanny, they just wanna hit it and quit it without really getting to know the terrain. Ya gotta step up and really do the due diligence of really getting to know the entire vajayjay. Not just getting hard off of vodka-monsters and cramming your dick in her, shooting a sad load then ubering home. If you really wana make an impact on that lil vixen, here the basics on “The Whole Trivago.”

First things first, make sure her mind/brain is with it. There aint nuttin worse than chic who jus aint lookin to get some head, so be a good neighbor and check on her mental status. Secondly, make sure she’s comfy, ya know clothes, music, candles n shit. Third, throw her a bone, no not your dick, maybe pop in a DVD/Netflix of a Channing Tatum flick, maybe ole Brad Pitt or Cooper, or if she’s fun and kinky, get some of that Orange New Black chic Amber Rose or whatever tha fawk her name is. Ok, enough of the number thing, I’m just going to blabber on and hopefully you can keep up with me. So she’s feeling good, music is dope, nice scent going, got some good visuals in front of her. So you scoot your ass downtown and slowly take off those adorable panties she’s sporting. Maybe they are baby blue, maybe a lil pink ya know, like Vic Secrets, hell maybe even a nice sexy bright red, yea, summin like that. So remove those bastards all slow and sexy. Use your tongue, teeth, tease them a lil ya know, have fun with them, but not too much fun. We don’t want to keep the kitty waiting too long, kitty’s can get turned off too quick. Ok, so you got those lil fawkerz off, next thing you do is you tease that lil pooner. Blow at it, kiss it, give her a lick or two, hell maybe even THREE licks, just to get that snacthareno nice and excited. So what you do is take your index finger and slowly put it on the hood of her vag and then take your thumb and slowly drag it down the gina then twist it so it’s parallel with her vag and your hand will now look like you are kind of representing the Crypts. Now most people will go in there and just chow down like a Vegas buffet, which is a no no. You want to go in there like you are a pro and diving into that opening of delight like a fawkn Neanderthal aint gonna cut it. So what you do instead is you get your nose in there and you rub it around a lil, get your senses involved, make cute lil faces at that vag, smile at it, you can even give it a lil pep talk like, “hey you. I just wanna let you know I’m kummin in. I’ll leave my dickhead friend downstairs, but I think were gonna have a really good time tonight. Here goes sweetie poo.” Then you get that nose in there, rub it around like I said, then tease her a lil. And people, make sure you are listening to both her body and noises because if neither are communicating anything to you, you are prolly fawkn this up and that sucks. So back to the nose, now we get Mr. T out. He is our key to this whole ordeal, obviously. Now let him go in slow and strong, never fast and hard, that’s for Big Daddy Byron who isn’t invited to this party. Give that precious piece of flesh a few flicks from Mr.T, nothing too porn like, just some fun flicks to let her know he likes to play a lil too. Once you get those few lickflicks in there, its time to switch it up. Now most amateurs use the alphabet routine, which most girls know about and is simple. I often use something like it but way different. I like to use the “Have You Ever Been To Heaven” routine. It’s pretty much talking to that poon using a lot of words that have distinctive tongue usage. It’s a combo of knowing solid words to get that lil fleshy nice and wet and improving on the spot. Do some homework, get some words in your arsenal, then go to town. What I like to do is memorize an entire monologue I wrote using a lot of tonguey words. Once you get that all set and ready, time to throw it down. So you have your thumb on the bottom, index finger on her hood and you are doing your tonguey monologue. If that isn’t getting her nice and drippy, you are either doing it wrong or you are giving an old pumpkin head because this entire process, “The Whole Trivago” is LITerally 100% effective, its even been known to make dead women wet! So we got that going and some of you are like, “wait wait, what about clitty town?” Ooooo ladies, don’t you worry, Id never forget about the most celebrated guest to the party. Once your eater is on a roll, this person MUST make sure you are oozing and ready to shit yourself. So with that in mind, slowly take out your tongue and throw your nose back in there like Cinderella slipping her foot in the shoe. Or was it Dorothy? Whoever tha fawk it was, do that shit and get the nose back in there. Once the special no no place is oozing with yumyums of liquid goodness, bring the nose to the hood and pull him out and right as you do that, whip Mr.T out and let him go to work upstairs, have him knock on Ms.Clittys door and I’m sure she’ll let him in, that’s only if you followed these rules and did some of your own homework! So Ms.Clitty lets Mr.T in and well, remember, she’s the most precious pearl in all the sea, so be gentle with her, but never TOO gentle, you want her to know you are there to have fun AND do a job. So once you are in, give her a lil kiss, just a lil one, a cute one, nothing too weird or heavy, more than a peck, less than a mouth rape. Then we begin to serenade Ms.Clitty with our homework again. Get Mr.T ready for the finals and get allllll those words, that monologue, everything because this is 4^th and goal on the 1yard line and they have a stacked D. Make sure to keep your index finger and thumb in place, but always make sure to have them moving, rotate them a bit, kind of like just keeping them warm ya know, they are assistants, they are like bussers or barbacks, here to help the bartenders and servers. Funny thing is, when all this is going on, we have a few more players waiting on the sidelines, so lets get them involved. When you are entertaining Ms.Clitty with Mr.T get some of your bench squad a lil action. Sub in and out if you need too, ya know if your index and thumb are showing fatigue, get the others in there. It’ll definitely make things easier and better! So now that we have the entire team involved, everyone is happy, Ms.Clitty and Mr.T are getting along, this should be more than enough to make your counterpart unload a bit. Some like to REALLY unload like a fire hose, busted septic tank or a dormant geyser. Unfortunately you are going to run into a few out there that unload like someone taking the groceries out of their trunk and into their house, but don’t worry about them, they are usually the ones that wouldn’t even go for some pleasure like this.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the key to this is getting in her head. Make sure there’s room for you and your squad up there and of course, down there. If she’s not with it, it COULD be a bad game to get in too. OR, you could go for gold and maybe turn her day around with the proper technique, “The Whole Trivago.”

The Dance of Smoke

The Dance of Smoke

By Trevor A. Keveloh

In this ever-changing thing we call life, your perception will constantly change, grow, die and rebirth as you experience more and new things. The problem with a good percentage of people is they don’t truly understand the real meaning behind growth. 

Growing doesn’t mean growing up, it means, growing. Evolving. Learning from your mistakes and either continuing to succumb to them or learning how to look them in the eye and say loudly, “NOT TODAY, NOOOOOOT TODAY!” So much is taken for granted in all the faucets of life. Money, food, clothing, housing but most importantly, happiness. I’m not going to get into a soapbox war about what is true happiness because I can tell you, I’ve been incredibly happy in two different aspects in my life, so let’s just let happiness be whatever it wants to be. Let’s leave happiness alone and just be it when we want, or are, or whatever tha fawk. 

The point I’m going to eventually (hopefully) get across in this twisted sense of Treality is how our perception changes as we grow. 

People have milestones in their lives; they accomplish goals, both large and small, easy and hawd. After you accomplish that, some are just happy they did it, move on and that’s that, doneskis. Some people create a new goal and go after that and continue to just chase goals, which is a good thing. But then there are some people who really REALLY look into the goals they have accomplished, really break it down both mentally and physically, and then embrace how and what they have beaten. To really embrace your “enemy” so to speak and learn and breakdown and then move forward to the next, now that is def seeing things differently. Your perception changes. Your life changes.

And that’s what creates wars, two parties not seeing eye to eye on a subject/issue but I’m not about to get into that shit. Yea, fawk all that noise for another long one I’m not about to dabble in. But. Wars, wars, ahhhhh wars…. They can be both large and small, both silly and serious, but a war is a war. I’m not justtalking guns and tanks and jet packs and shit, I’m talking small wars. Like my crew vs your crew or my hood vs your hood or NNHS vs NCHS. Diamond Deuces vs TVOs type shit. Or simply two people disagreeing about a subject and one doesn’t know how to stay civil so they end up saying or doing something stupid. Those types of war are just as harmful as fawk. It’s often the aggressor of that war that will say and do some pretty petty and evil shit. But that’s because that person’sreality or perception hasn’t changed or evolved, they are still thinking in an older way and haven’t been able to grasp the evolution of their counterpart. It happens. It happens all the time. I see it in work scenarios, friendships, dating and so on. If we as a whole just started accepting people for who they are and spend less time expecting people to be a certain way, I really think we as a society would be a bit more civil and a lot less violent. However, it’s not like that. Many people out there are holding on to old feelings, or old ways, old perceptions, old grudges (Wear the grudge like a crown.  Desperate to control. Unable to forgive. And sinking deeper. #ToolTangent.) that have not yet evolved into the now. Hopefully they catch up, because if you get stuck in your old ways and your old perceptions too long, you miss out on some really cool shit happening in this world around you.

As I’ve grown as a person this past year, I have really understood a lot about certain aspects of my life and life in general. It’s really amazing and fascinating at the same time on what can be done and accomplished if you let things happen, with a focused goal in mind. A strange delicate balance of perseverance and allowing things to happen, and in the middle is where true magic is made. Taking a script, a story and allowing the people to Improv and embracing that human interaction, bringing those emotions to surface and just going tha FAWK after it. Once you open up, once you become one with all and just shut tha fawk up, you’ll get what I’m saying, you’ll see the dance of the smoke.

Friendships are Basically Hostage Situations

By Trevor A. Keveloh

After years and years of going through friendships, keeping, building, losing, killing and so on, I've come to the conclusion that all friendships are basically a hostage situation. My theory is simple. You become friends with someone, then depending on your connection, you remain just friends, or develop into a stronger and greater connection. When you move towards that stronger bond with someone, you tend to open up, divulge the skeletons in your closet, express your deepest and darkest fears as well as expressing your dreams and aspirations. Your friend now knows all too much about you and if you are to cross them, they have the ability to publicize all your personal life to whomever they feel. Think about it.
You meet someone you really connect with. Have all kinds of shit in common like favorite beer, movies, whore selection, sports and shit. Then you get drunk together one night, you accidentally tell them that you once banged your bosses wife at the Christmas party, or you are fawkn some 19yr old intern, or you were on ecstasy and you blew some guy in a WeHo shitter. That friend now basically has partial ownership to some really fawked up shit you've done. What do you do now? Sometimes you can't just cut them off, especially if it's some fawkn asshole who enjoys hurting people with slander type shit or is just a prick who likes to start shit. So if you end up getting into a fight, you swallow your fawkn pride like that load of cum in the WeHo shitter and you deal with it. OR, you kind of slowly back away and always keep in touch with them. Make up some typical bullshit like you are, "so busy with work and your shitty family that you can't do as much," I dunno, people always find a good reason to just back tha fawk off someone who they are worried is going it OUT them if they have a friend breakup.
It's a tricky situation so be careful. You've got to treat that friendship like a hostage situation and make sure they don't off one of the prisoners and make you look like a shitty negotiator. That shit is crucial to your well-being and especially your future. Shit, what if your friend is some keyboard warrior who likes to bash people and go crazy on social media? You've got to watch those tricky lil fuckers. Those are the worst. They kind of troll through the internet all day, sitting graciously in their cubicle, attacking people all over the world, hiding behind that trendy screen name like "All4One." Getting paid 80K to tinker with some office bullshit but spend most of their time just annoying people.
In the event that some mercenary takes your private life public and you are past the point of no return, you've got to just either fess up and acknowledge your secrets, or lie through your fawkn teeth and make them look like a fawkn mad man. Either way, you are kind of fawked. So be careful on who you spill your guts too, you never know who is going to use your personal shit as a hostage negotiation.

The UFC; Gone Corporate

By Trevor A. Keveloh

 Well, the inevitable has happened. The UFC has gone completely corporate. Between the Rebook deal and the recent information pouring out from the UFC “fan” expo, it looks as if this July will have a lackluster attendance. Fans, former sponsors and most importantly, the fighters are pissed.

I’ve always been under the assumption that Dana White had wanted to mirror the UFC from the NFL, which now seems like a pretty terrible idea (DeflateGate, Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, etc.) My initial reaction to the Reebok deal was, “why?” Why are you putting uniforms on fighters? It’s a one on one sport, not a team sport. Uniforms are used to decipher one team versus another team, but for some reason the grandiose idea of a uniform on fighters is somehow logical? I don’t understand, but I guess that’s why I am not the CEO of the UFC. I’ve always looked at the MMA world and how its sponsorships are handled and thought it was really mirrored more towards Nascar. A one person sport which has a number of people competing against each other. Apparently I was wrong, very wrong.

The newest black eye for the UFC is now the politics behind the “fan” Expo. Smaller companies, aka NON-sponsors (but SUPPORTERS) of the UFC are getting the boot. “Sorry buddy, this lunch table is only for the cool kids only.” I get it, I do. I understand business, I understand big business and the fact that it needs to grow and evolve into something bigger and greater. But there is a right way to do this and a wrong way to do this. The UFC shit the bed. Ten years ago when I got involved in the MMA world I didn’t think that the company I have worked with, Fight Chix, would have grown to what it is today. When that company grew and became as respected as it is, I was flattered, humbled and rather proud. Years of hard work, dedication, lugging product all over the country from expo to expo, I felt like the UFC was our friend, or our neighbor down the street with the “big house.” But that neighbor, that “friend,” was really more like the Klopek’s from the movie, “The Burbs.”

I honestly wanted to try and give the UFC the benefit of the doubt on their Reebok deal but after recently seeing the numbers come out for the fighter pay on the new tier system, I immediately felt horrible for the fighters. These men and women train so fucking hard, day and night, lose time with friends and family, rarely have anything close to an off-season and are now getting cut at the legs. And why? To fatten the pockets of the executives. $2500 for a low tier fighter? A bottle service girl makes that in a weekend in Vegas.

I have slowly distanced myself from the UFC world as it has become watered-down and overwhelming. I don’t really care how much the organization makes; I care about watching a good quality fight. The UFC became over-saturated when it teamed up with FOX and then constantly began pumping out fights. I enjoy change, but positive change is what needed to be done. As the organization grows, more and more amateur fighters want to join the UFC as a dream, a goal, whatever it is they are fighting for. I respect every fighter out there for following their dreams to become a pro-fighter, hell we’ve helped grow a number of amateur fighters and still do to this day. But is the UFC really going to be the end all be all for all these fighters? Or will someone better come along and build an organization that is truly fair to its fans, sponsors and fighters?

Maybe Bellator, WSOF, Invicta could all get together, team up and take over.

Jesus' Birthday Week N Shit

It's Jesus' bday week which means a lot of corporate people will be off and a lot of hospitality people will be working extra hours to make those important peoples days off more exciting since we all cant stand extended family for too long, so lets talk about Jesus and what he usually does on his bday week...

From what I know, on the 23rd he goes out and shops a lil. Sometimes he grabs a few drinks or roadies or both and gets some shit done. Then he goes home, naps, wakes up, showers (always has a beer in the shower like a good lil boy) then eats and heads out for the night for a Freindsgiving/Gift exchange thing at a bar. Jesus is usually chill about it until midnight and then he gets all twentysomething girl-ish and is like "O MA GAWWWD, its my birthday eve... SHAWTZ!!!" And starts buyin rounds and rounds of blackhaus for the bar. He is usually at a smaller bar so its cheaper and less people and the only people to show up for gift exchange are his close friends aka professional drinkers. When its last call he usually bums a ride home or cabs it cuz, well, who wants to get a DUI on their bday eve?

Its now Xmas eve daytime and Jesus is a but hungover. He cooks himself a flight of pancakes and some maple syrup and dabbles in some scrambie eggs and powers down a big glass of milk after all that food. Food coma hits and he takes a nap. Jesus will wake up around 4pm and make a small pot of coffee to get going again, jumps in the shower with a beer and gets ready for his bday eve... He then gets out and throws a lil Jamo up in dar and loosens up a bit. After hangin alone at his crib, havin some celebratory alone drinks, its time to round up the party people and hit the few bars open...

Its about 8pm and everyone is at his buddy Moses' having drinks and shots and gettin ready to celebrate the bday eve. All of the disciples show up but they are kinda cheap so they bring a case of Natty Ice to split for everyone, thankfully most of the people at the pre party have taste and bring bottles of liquor, coors lights, some craft beer and other shit like wine and egg nog with rum. So everyone gets a nice foundation of buzz on and of course, all drive to the local bar. Thats where shit gets weird. Anytime you goto a bar on a holiday you see the most "eclectic" group of people you will see all year. Thankfully this bar is in a decent area but with a high level of twentysomethings which means a bunch of drunk girls with daddy issues gettin PLOWED off Rumpleminze; SCORE! So Jesus and his crew post up at a well and just start raging like its NYE but its not, its Jesus eve bday shit so yea. They binge drink, powering down everything from Vegas bombs, jamo, rumpys, fireball, jagerbombs, jager up, and by midnight, Jesus looks like Sammy Davis Jr all one eye all cock-eyed lookin the wrong way all night. So at midnight, Moses is completely SHIT-HAUSED so he askes his brother Aaron to do the speech for him since he cant really talk. Aaron, who is a quite sober and coherent does the ole... "To Jesus and to lying, cheating, stealing and drinking... If you are going to lie, lie for your friends, if you are going to cheat, cheat death, if you are going to steal, steal a woman's heart and if you are going to drink, drink with me.." Everyone raises their shots of Crown in the air and pound it down.. At this point it doesnt even matter what anyone is drinking and shit, most people are close to blackie or are already blackie and of course, Jesus is one fireball away from soiling himself, however maintains a level of awesomeness and is totally makin out with one of the daddy-issued rumpleminze skanks... Last call is called, another round of shots is out and then the lights go up...At this point in the night, the ONLY person in the bar that is remotely sober is Aaron and thats becuz he promised his broham Moses hed stay sober enough to give the speech. Aaron is now pantless, in his daygo tee, flexing for the waitresses who are all drunk and shoving singles down his xmas undies. The bartender/manager is mildly faded but still sober enough to get everyone out of the bar in due time. Magically, that bartender was smart enough to arrange a fleet of cabs earlier in the night for these fawkz to get home safley in which they do.

Today is Jesus birthday... Hung as shit, no one wants to move or do anything at all, especially cook, so they order $173.67 worth of delivery Chinese food. "O ma ga, you eat dat much, u betta be real" says Chinaman on the phone. Moses gives them his credit card number and says "there a fawkn go dood, and well tip that fawker fat cash if it gets here SOON." Then he hears, "OK, OK, fiteen, tweeny minet," low and heold 17mins later the doorbell rings and there's a chinaman at the door, sweating, holding bags and bags of food. All crooked eyed, Moses starts handing bags to the disciples and they walk them to the kitchen table. Moses looks at the derivery guy and is like "what?" He was just waiting for a tip and of course Aaron has to come over and is like, "here ya go bub, merry xmas," and hands the dood a hundo. So they all monge and then pass out again.

3 pm rolls around and they are all waking up off the sofas, ground, basement and shit whatever, spare rooms and shit. Thankfully there are 3 showers so everyone gets ready to go out for Jesus bday. 645PM rolls around and everyone is already buzzed, except Jesus, he snuk away and got a lil too high and ended up passing out on the porch. So they wake the birthday boy up and just violently shove stoli/redbulls down his throat like some shit out of the movie "a clockwork orange." Moses, half in the bag now, stumbles over and is like, "OK OK, let the dood enjoy this shit and his fawkn bday.. GAAAAAWD!" So the boys pull themselves together and find a different bar to goto on Xmas night. These assholes still have their cars at the other bar, so they just all cab it over. The show up in the bar and it's like the scene in the movie Casino where Pesci is at the casino and you hear the song "whip it" by Devo in the background... A bunch of semi-drunk goons ready to RAGE for homie Jesus' bday, they post up and start RIPPING fawkn grape bombs, shit they went thru 2 bottles in the first 35mins of being there that the bartender was like "DOOD, you guys gotta slow down." Moses already actin like a drunk fawkn asshole starts to mouth off and then Aaron steps in and is like, "YO, its cool man. We are all cabbin it, no one will get out of hand and shit, you wana make some REAL coin tonight, then we are your people." The bartender goes to snap back and just chills for a sec and is like, "OK man, but anything stupid shit and I'll just call the cops cuz I dont have a door guy." Aaron is all cool with is so, here come the shawtz. "27 Vegas Bombs, chilled," comes out of one asshole disciples mouth and the bartender looks over in absolute disgust. Aaron shouts, "nah nah nah dood, fawk that pussy shit... 30 shots of Jamo, dont listen to that asshole" So the bartender grabs 30 ROX glasses and pours em nice and fat... The glasses go in the air, the toast is made (same one as before, but this time by Moses cuz he ran to the shitter earlier to rip a few lines) and the glasses comes down, clink the bar and everyone pounds their Jamos.

Thankfully tonight there are no servers working for the guys to moleste so the guys keep powering out drink at the bar, however, here come the servers who are all off and ready to party, thats when shit gets really bad. The bartender calls his buddy who works there and they turn on the DJ equipment and BOOM, before you know it, the tootsie roll song is on and EVERYONE is dancing in the bar, even the old nasty decrepit foggies. Its reaching midnight and somehow EVERYONE is drunk but not completely shithaused (maybe from all the redbulls n blow) Then that clock strikes midnight and Jesus orders a round for the entire day and is like, "heres to the day after my bday, for all you poor fuckers to get drunk n shit" and whips a fawkn box across the room at Moses who is totally grinding on this skank that Jesus wanted. The bartender tries to cut of Jesus but hes like, "Dood, come on, we are paying your rent and the bars rent right now and its ma fakwn BIRFDAY bra!" The bartender warns him and tells him last time and next time you are out. Jesus is all like, ok ok, and gets his drink and circles for some daddy-issued girl to grind on.

The day after Jesus wakes up in Moses' garage with some total skank and is like, "umm, wtf." He tries to kreep his way out but she wakes up and is like, "u want a blowie?" Jesus is hung as shit but has the hangover-hornies so hes like, ummmmm YES! This lil water-muffin sucks him off and he blows a massive Jamo-infused load in her mouth, so much that she gags and it slips out the side of her mouth a lil. Jesus puts his pants back on and walks in the house only to find EVERYONE still awake raging, playing quarters, girls completely naked just walking around drinking, making out with the guys, each other, serving drinks, this is beyond debauchery, this is fawkn hedonism! Jesus looks over to Moses who is in the kitchen sporting only a red silky cape and womens cheetah print undies and is like, "DOOD." Moses just smiles at him and is like, "happy bday bub," and they proceed to powerdown drinks. Aaron comes up to Jesus, completely blown out of his gourd wearing a white sheet toga and a bra on his head and has a fawkn MOSNTER plate of blow and asks him, "party favor for the party boy?" Jesus is like, ehhhh, fawk it and rips a honker, grabs a beer and starts dancing in the dance-party.

Before you know it, its about 4pm and everyone is still going strong. No one has eaten a thing, more people have showed up, less clothes are being worn, more booze and drugs have arrived and the party its almost peaking at this time. No one knows how to get this party to the next level so they just keep raging. At this point Jesus is down to his tighty-whiteys and is on the coffee table dancing to "aint no mountain high enough" with a bag of blow and a shark knife he is ripping the lines from, he even kicked off his sandals! One of the disciples is trying to wearing them as earrings but is so fawkn coked out he keeps chewing on them and using them to spank one of the bikini cladded girls. Before you know it, its almost 10 and no one has left and the party has even grown a bit and thats when Aaron does the unexpected, he invites over the 3 kings and thats where everything just goes to shit. They come over with 6 totally HAWT chics and a ton of ecstasy. Before you know it, the party goes from a fun drunken/coke party to everyone rolling their fawkn balls off. The music wasnt enough so once again, Aaron makes a call and DJ Abraham shows up in about 20mins and then the party just completely ignites. He brings over his laptop and some speakers and completely fawkn destroys the place with mega fawkn trance/techno... Its now at the point where theres about 200 people all over this house just raging like a motherfucker! DJ Abe throws on some Hardwell and all of a sudden every fawkn girl rips her shirt off and his just going fakwn nuts, fawkn place would put a Vegas mega-club to shame at this point.

Its 3am and the party is still going strong, actually stronger as more people have showed up. Jesus is in the middle of the dancefloor doing a combo of robot/breakdancing and the crowd is going fawkn apeshit. At this point he's in a ripped up scarf that is protecting his junk from skidding across the floor, hair in a ponytail and blow caked all over his nose, he's still the center of attention. And then, then, then it happens. The cops show up at the door. Aaron answers it and the cops just walk in to basically a complete drug and sex infested orgy. Nothing to do at this point since everyone is of age and the guys with the drugs are outside getting ready to dump the shit if they get the signal, Jesus stumbles over just, just completely out of his mind, sporting his ripped scarf as undies and falls into the cops and is like "wana do some fawkn toot u fawkn fawkz?" Officer Pontius looks at him and is like, "THIS PARTY IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!" The other cop starts screaming and yelling and backup arrives. Officer Pontius grabs Jesus arm and another cop grabs the other arm and they drag Jesus out. Jesus is so drunk and coked out he can barely move and his feet are dragging and cross over each other and he kind of looks like his head is hanging down, and his arms are being held up by the cops, just beyond smashed and fawked out of his goard in a whole nohter world. He ends up in the cop car and the party ends.

That was Jesus Birthday Week...
N Shit.