"Guard Up; Guard Down"

By Trevor A. Keveloh

I see this more and more lately in people referring to “walls” and keeping their “guard up” so they wont get hurt. I have been a victim of keeping my guard up from time to time since I was in my teenage years. I first started to experience the hurt from girls, work, friends and life in general. It’s a nasty thing to get involved in if you keep it up too long, if you let it consume you, if you let it create this alter ego about you. People that cant be themselves and be happy are constantly battling some sort of emotional loss or disconnection from their social group or society as a whole. Some people choose to be anti-social and create almost a fictitious world they may live in from time to time or even forever. I can honestly say that the seed of letting my guard down and expressing my own self started in Arizona when I was 22. I had the time of my life for about 6 months. I met some amazing people out there that really showed me that being yourself, no matter how you look, is far better than hiding from who you are. I came out of my shell. I’ve never been the same. I am approaching 36 years old and I am no where near the man I was then. Mainly because of one word.
Experience.
I have experienced so much more than a lot of my peers that I can’t even start to tell you the things I’ve seen, done, heard and so on. People my age are typically married and having kids, getting promotions, working on a second mortgage, dealing with insurance issues with their career. I am trying to live out my dreams and eventually become the man I was intended to be. And what makes that more acceptable to me, what makes it easier to get to even at my age is that I let my guard down. People know a good portion of the real me because I initially tell them and then ultimately show them. I don’t beat around the bush and I come out and just do it. I wear my heart on my sleeve, a choice I began to make about 8 years ago. To be open and honest, free and vocal, to not hesitate because so much in life is NOT promised to you.
There is this other part of me that IS guarded. This part that not everyone gets to see in which we all have. It’s not just the dirty secrets or skeletons in the closet, it’s just another part of me that usually lies dormant because there isn’t much of a reason for it to come out and play. Certain people get to see it, sometimes I like to show it off like a new toy, but ultimately I just let it chill inside me for certain occasions. Either way, we all have that different piece of us we aren’t all willing to give everyone. It’s too special. Some people have an entire life that they keep like that, others, just some weird shit like hobbies or fucked up shit they did in college. Either way, it’s natural, it’s a way with coping with trust and a there lack of. I’ve dealt with it mainly in dating and some levels of friendship. Not all my friends see me the same way. In general, yea they see me as a happy outgoing guy with typical struggles. But some see the real me because they have experienced different situations with me. In regards to dating, yea, some people have seen me differently with certain girls I’ve dated, but ultimately they know I do give most girls my all. It may seem at times like I’m not, but I’ve learned that if I’m going to date someone I HAVE to give her everything. They have to get as much of me as they can. Not always right away, hell never right away, but you eventually you have to just let yourself go and REALLY be YOU around them.
I personally think that having some sort of guard is good, it kind of gives us as humans the option to let certain people in and keep certain people out. But I think that too many people who have been hurt use the ole, “keeping my guard up,” as a defense mechanism for all the wrong reasons. I understand that some may not want to get hurt, but if you've never gotten hurt, how would you know the feeling? Just because you read it in a book, saw it in a movie or talked about it with someone, you may never really experience true hurt, true loss, true pain, true love. Being hurt is human, its good for you, it allows the balance of life to encourage you to seek pleasure. If we didn’t hurt, we may never know what real joy felt like. But don’t keep your guard up because some asshole employer treated you like shit, some guy/girl burned you, someone shit on your lawn. Go out there and give, love, be real to people. Ya don’t have to invite strangers into your home but be good to your fellow man. Too many people are missing out on life. Waiting for things to happen so they can move onto the next. Not enough people are taking the time to stop and smell the roses. So do that. And whatever else you do. Live free. Love free. Be free.

Everybody Cheats

Everybody Cheats

By Trevor A. Keveloh

Everybody cheats. Yes, yes they do in some way or another. Most people are understanding that cheating is more than just fucking someone behind your significant others (going to coin it SO) back, but in this day and age of techno savvy people running around controlling the universe, it goes much further. If you are texting someone behind your SO back and you feel guilt, it’s a form of cheating. If you are using social media to communicate with some behind your SO back and you feel guilt, its cheating. If you are simply connecting with someone else on an emotional level and you begin to have “feelings,” or something of the sort with that person BEHIND your SO back, yup, that’s a big fat cheater right there.
Unfortunately I have been a victim of cheating since high school by every GF but one (you know who you are and thank you for not cheating.) All of them up until the most recent were blatant cheaters. Nothing too fancy about their cheating styles. Just straight up talking, texting, hanging out and fucking other guys. One cheater I felt was the most ridiculous because she went to the furthest extents to lie and cheat. Caught red handed since day one, I wasn’t smart enough to just cut ties as I tried so many times. Just like in the movie, “The Godfather,” she kept pulling me back IN. When I look back I let the notoriety of the sex and age difference become the controlling factor along with the odds stacked against me. Someone MUCH younger and had absolooootly NO clue about anything in life, I felt like I could show her. Little did I know, I was like a fawkn THOUROUGHBRED and she made me work for all these false hopes. It became blatant towards the end that she never intended on a truly healthy and successful relationship, she wanted to “vacation,” away from daddy and “live,” with me as I took care of her. A pattern I had picked up on when she actually discussed something of her past which was a fawkn miracle to even get a glimpse of you she, “really was.” When people don’t really speak of their past, it’s obvious that they have something, or many things, to hide. Of course you ALWAYS find this out at the end. However, I knew this up front but failed to drop the hammer hard enough to end it before it got out of hand, which ironically was a month into the relaltionshiT.
Everybody cheats. I’m sure I have done things to SO that would tiptoe on the lines of cheating or maybe even get in that ocean of cheating. I’ve texted girls or messaged them saying they looked good in an outfit or something of that nature. However I’ve never proactively went out and pushed the lines of flirting into another category of, “why not.”
I stopped at the flirting and pulled myself back, but either way, I had done it. There’s one thing I won’t do and that’s go on an all out CHEAT. Circumstances can alter that but ultimately, you are in control of everything. Too many weak people give the ole,” victim of circumstances,” speech which gets old after a while if it’s the same people ranting that cliché.
Everybody cheats. There are couples out there that have an open relationship and that is a whole nother ball of waxxxy discussion. I’ve personally never been in one but I’ve been in some, “relationships,” that are quite unhealthy. I don’t want to even get involved in discussing those at this point, I’d rather just stick to my basis that, yea, everybody cheats.
Everybody cheats. I’m sure there are plenty of healthy relationships where you aren’t falling into this category, however, I’m sure that everyone at some point in time has fallen into this category. It’s the inevitable, it’s like going to the beach and refusing to swim. You don’t swim, but you sure as shit walk in the water, or dig your toes into the sand all Incubus style, letting the waves come up and wash it away. You don’t go all the way, but you get in there just enough to feel alive, to feel that wave, to feel that water wash away your worries. There may be some people reading this thinking I’m absurd, or paranoid or just a neurotic or narcissistic FAWKTARD, that’s fine, I don’t blame you. You haven’t walked in my shoes so you don’t really know and I’ve never walked in yours, so we are back in agreement, good.
Everybody cheats. If you develop a friendship (with the opposite sex or same sex if it applies) online or via social media while you’re in a relationship and this friendship makes that, “turn,” its starting to look like cheating. When you start discussing personal things, start to vent, start to see this, “friend,” in another way, and you’re still with the other person, you are cheating. You decide not to disclose this person to your SO and being in a once was platonic situation you are now in a romantic and emotional affair, ya just done gone and cheat. Go look up cheating on ole Wikipedia, do it. See what that website has to say. Then look at your past and your friends past and so on and see how much adds up. Who left who for who? How did someone already have an SO a few weeks after being dumped? You look back and you piece that simple childish puzzle together and you kinda laugh at yourself because you knew all along, you saw the tell tale signs, shit you saw the muthafawkn texts or messages or snapchats or whatever tha fawk people are using to test the waters. But it takes that epiphany of, “WHHHHHHHHAT tha FAWWWWWK DOOD,” to wake up and smell the shitstorm brewing in the bedroom. O yea, for anyone reading this still thinking I’m insane or whatever, if you are being intimate with your SO and all of a sudden, your shit don’t work or you feel a distance between you and them, do NOT disregard that. Your body can tell you more than you think if you just listen to it. It’s controlled by you and another part of you, it’s controlled by your instincts, both animalistic and spiritual, so don’t ignore that weirdness during a bang sesh.
Everybody cheats. In closing I want you to GET where I am coming from. I am not here to ruin your day, I am here to express to you my personal beliefs. I am here to share a little bit on what I’ve been thru and what I’ve seen and what I’ve done. I’m here, as a writer, as a friend as a dood that use to serve you DonBombs, I’m here to communicate to you what I believe. I want you to look at yourself today. Then look at yourself back. See if you question something you were doing with someone behind your SO back. I want you to know that it’s ok to admit to it so you can better yourself. If you are a repeat offender, break the cycle. We all need to give that special someone everything. Don’t hold back and be selfish, give them your all. Live free, love free and be free of the constraints of life. For if you don’t give them your all, you will never understand what love really is. If you don’t give someone your all, you’ve never really lived.  But don’t cheat.

Thanks--Giving

Thanksgiving is a great American holiday and should be treated like that until the end of time. However it means a bit more to me and it's never a grand ole feast.

It's been 6 years since I moved back from L.A. to Chicago. It was the hardest decision in my life at the time and it still something I obviously haven't been able to let go of. Thanksgiving was difficult and there were things happening around me that I was unaware of and was completely confused about. My family being big and strong kept me at ease and I never suffered any serious emotional damage, but maybe a few nicks and scratches. The events that occured with at first were hurtful and painful but I later realized that it was for the best. Looking back now, I see that there was a reason for me to stay in Chicago and not go back to L.A. Those thoughts still stay with me and I try to push them away, kill them, bury them. But they linger and will abruptly show up in a state of unconsciousness.

I don't fear these thoughts, these choices, these lingering ideas. I simply want to move on and I feel like I can't. I feel like there is something not just holding me back but waiting for me to let go of it. Taking the next step to a level in which I can pursue all these things I know are so right for me. I try to put on a song and dance around this time but it just feels so damn hard too. I want to just skip right over and on to the next. But I can't, I must stand up and face these days until the next. What I feel, what I think, what I know about this time is it's just damn fucking hard!

Ramblin Man

I gotta say.... Shit gets good, shit gets bad, shit gets pretty, shit gets ugly... In the end its all the same... I think I have worked more outside my current FT job than when I am actually there, well in the past month or so. Dealing with people in the same kind of position, dealing with artists, dealing with managers and blablabla. It seems like a constant battle of simply, communication.

I am not going to rant about the absoloootly redic personal issues I've had lately because they are fucking stupid issues that should have been resolved instantly, however they've all been drawn out like a really bad soap opera. SO...

I'll be in VEGAS in a few weeks for the MMA Awards which everyone on Facebook knows due to my constant posts. FIGHT CHIX has been nominated for, "Best MMA Lifestyle Clothing Brand," and its pretty fucking RAD! I've been communicating with every type of promotional group, manager, director, etc in order to find the best places to have events and such. Aside from that I've been dealing more with bands on a personal level for my FT job at The Lodge. Talking with bigger bands and managers and trying to negotiate terms, contracts and so on. It's been fun but exhausting at times. I've also been working on side projects in order to try to spike business for both companies I work with. It's been fun, kept me busy, a little tiring at times but all in all it's been worth it. I show my value as much as I can but some seem to not see it. The people who do are the people I respect because I do feel like I'm out on an island shouting and not too many hear me. I am not complaining I am simply stating the obvious. I work with a decent amount of people and I would say I do more in one week than most do in an entire month. It's sad but it makes me realize and understand that I will eventually succeed and move on to bigger and better things. However, I am older than most people I work with so it's kind of a growing process. There are people I work with that have similar goals and those are the ones I want to kindly tip my hat too. I don't look down upon others but I do just raise my glass in a different direction when success is completed.

My Summer In Review...

Well for starters summer really isn't over so this could be a total fucking nightmareish blog with the potential to jinx things, but who gives a good goddamn shit? Like I said before, summer isn't over until we decide it is and it ain't because tomorrow is suppose to be 90 fucking degrees! Now I like warm weather and shit, ya know something to fuck around in or jerkoff into the sun er something just fucking stupid, but man we've had a shitstorm of humidity. I even saw ice sweating this summer because that humid shit was so recock!

Summer kicked off better than any other summer could of. NO not a blowie in the Lodge shitter. NO not a handy in the women's bathroom at The Carlyle. NO not a jerk session or sexual harassment charge dropped. VEGAS! Yes I said it, mothafuckn Vegas bitches! Memorial Day Weekend I went to Vegas with F.C. for the UFC Fan Expo 2 and did things I don't even want to re-state. I wrote, "FILTH II, The Return of FILTH," which is posted on here along with the original, "FILTH." I can honestly say when I went to Vegas I was on a mission to be a complete degenerate scumbag and do things I would never do. Mission completed!

Somewhere here or there I may have put things from my body into the body of a woman, or several, same nights and different nights. There was definitely a lot of sexuality running through the winds of CROM this summer. Naperville got a fucking taste of what KHAOS and FILTH can do on a Saturday night. That town will never be the same. It was mouthfucked by a shitanko'd night of debauchery.

I ventured down the outskirts of St. Louis to catch my first ever TOOL show. Now some of you know me, some of you kind of know me and some of you KNOW me. I am pretty much obsessed with TOOL, MJK, their style and philosophy on shit and I'm infatuated with the music itself. Basically I suck TOOL's dick. Well I went down there with some good friends and had the most humbling experience of my life. The show was beyond anything I could ever imagine and I am glad I was sober when I saw the show. We ended up at a casino afterwards where I drank Jameson, rocks glass, neat for under $4 a pour, yea BIG like that shit Facebook!

I blacked out at Saddle Up with Bob. That was fun and not fun.

I saw a good friend of mine get married. It was cool and there were a lot of hot chics there.

I saw Johnny Lang at RibFest in Naperville. My friend who is a young sexy female was a drunken mess and yelled the entire time on the bus ride from the show to the parking lot. "I need to pee NOW NOW NOW, STAT STAT. Pull this bus over so I can pee." The 50-something other people on the bus did not appreciate this, however it was funnier than a pig sucking off a European juggler.

I managed to actually work and get things done. New opps opened up for me on the career path and other good things are happening, like sexual encounters with chia pets.

I have finally tainted the Annex Room at work :)

The private room beyond the Annex room was tainted the fuck out of one night!

I jumped in the pool with Stupid Kyle but we still have yet to go boating in the pool.

I rallied and felt no shame.

I got a new roommate who I believe will work out well. He has a dog so I don't need to go buy one now, I'll just use his to walk around and meet hot NCC chics.

I made Tim Curran mow my lawn.

I saw a lot of tits. Mostly good ones and a few "ehh" ones, but tits are tits!

There was a vaginal opening sometime between May and now.

I saw Buddy Guy at The Last Fling in Naperville.

I believe I might be actually making a very small nick of an impact for original music in the Burbs.

Market Days, sour cream cum looking stain, getting swiped, dancing at gay bars...

Out with the old, in with the new!

Cutting people loose who are pointless.

The 3 Best Friends.

Malloy's birthday which I have video footage of.

Bowen vowing that, "one of us has to get a girlfriend or a dog or we are going to end up dead." Bowen got a girlfriend.

Asian Persuasion

That "weird" night that involved 3 strippers, a leash, case of Bud Light Lime, bottle of Early Times and some random guy driving the four of us around for 6 hours trying to find his, "business partner," so he can, "finish a few things," before he, "leaves for a while."

Robert's birthday and the girl we got off of the new craigslist, "backpages.com."

LODGE LODGE LODGE... Sunday Funday, Half-off Wednesdays, Lodge Pool, Lodge Regs, Lodge Employees, Lodge Ex-Employees (Woody!), Lodge Pool Parties, Back Bar ONLY, Napping on the Lodge couch, That one Saturday Night.

And as stated in the song, "Prison Sex," by TOOL... "I've come round, full circle." I purchased tickets to VEGAS for a December trip. I am venturing out there with F.C., KHAOS and Ellie. This is sure to be a completely incredible time.

And to end this sermon of shit, this summer was MINE. I was not cheated and I felt and still feel good about it. This summer was pure FILTH...

September 14th, 8 Years Ago.

8 years ago September 14th my cousin Cory passed away from a heroin overdose. When I got this call I was in the process of helping my sister move into her apartment. I was told that there was an accident with my two cousins and, "one of them didn't make it." Little did I know it was not a work incident but an an OD from a bad cut of heroin bought in the city.

I could not comprehend that they were still heroin addicts. I had spoke to both of them in the past about their addictions to drugs and heroin had come up in the past, but I did not think that it was still an issue. The second I found out my older cousin Cory had passed I brokedown and wept like a child. I could not hold myself together because it was too much of a surprise. I could not stop sobbing and asking why. It was by far the worse day I have ever been through.

Beyond that...

The night before the two of them had OD'd I was talking to Cory. His phone kept cutting out and he kept calling me back on my landline phone. We were suppose to go out and get some beers and hangout. I told them I wasn't in the mood and he kept saying, "I'm buying, don't worry about money bro. Just come out with Jason and me and hangout. It's been a while." I kept saying I didn't want to but if I changed my mind I'd hit them up. They called me a few more times but I never made it out. The next day he died and Jason almost went with him. Jason passed out and fell on his leg in a weird way which cut the circulation off. He woke up in the morning with a swollen leg that ballooned up almost triple the size of his legs. He's not a strong or built guy but he was active because they were both plumbers. Jason woke and saw Cory with foam at his mouth and not breathing. He dialed 911 and they came. He was pronounced DOA. I had saved those voicemails on my phone and I would listen to them in my room in private. Guilt set in.

I fought many demons and still do to this day thinking that I could have prevented it if I had just gone out with them. They knew I was and still AM drug-free, aside from alcohol. I have never touched an illegal drug and plan to never touch one as long as I live. I am also free of all pills, inhalants and other shit.

I never thought I was going to really move on from that experience. Jason lost his brother, I lost my cousin, my family lost a son, nephew, etc.

When I went to the funeral/wake I took it upon myself to write his Eulogy. I wrote it strictly from the heart with swearing, honesty and some tears. To this day I rate that as my favorite piece of work I have ever written because it was pure, 100% from the heart and it was for someone who I loved so much. I have since lost that piece of work but carry it with my tattooed on my chest the number, "14."

My cousins and I were like brothers when we got together. Even my younger brother Darren finally grew up a bit and started to get a shot at the shit we did. Our birthdays all merged so close to each other that it was one after another. Cory-2/2, Jason 3/14, Me 3/23, Darren 3/26. We grew up close but did find plenty of room to fight. In childhood it was over things like toys and clothes. Then it grew to who was who in our re-enactments of the TV show, "COPS." Then it grew to girls in our high school years. The two of them being city boys, moved to Schamburg and then eventually Naperville where they attended the opposite school of me which brought them and my immediate family some unwanted attention. They were eventually nicknamed, "Ghetto and Lil Ghetto." How appropriate for two brothers who practically worshipped TuPac. (TuPac passed away 9/14.)

I never knew how much Cory's death was going to eventually control and ruin Jason's life. After that Jason went sober from everything, even cigs. But it took him less than a year to fall off the wagon and become a fallen down drunk who went on awful drinking binges and eventually became a terrible Meth-head in Seattle. I had moved out West (LA/Vegas) for a second time and Jason thought it was a good idea he moved to Seattle to attempt a fresh start since he had burned almost every bridge in Illinois. He did the same out there but got hooked on Meth. I moved back to IL within less than a year and came to find out about him being homeless, methed out, stealing, pan-handling and so on. I had my fair share of unfortunate times in Cali but that's for a different time. Jason eventually moved back to IL where he lived with my family in our home and he did nothing more than continue to drink. He did and said awful things while hammered off Jager. His apologies never came.

My cousin Cory was always looking out for the youngins. Not only Jason, myself, Darren and so on, but his half brothers and half-sister. He had a great heart but had demons that would not let go of him. He was always willing to babysit, pick them up, take them wherever they needed to go. He would have made a great older brother growing up with them and possibly a father if he had kicked that habit.

Today stands as a memorial and celebration for who Cory was to ME. How he helped me internally and externally. I have finally gotten over the guilt that I put on myself for thinking that I could have prevented his death but that does not mean I still think about it. I use to visit his grave every week for years. I would hang out, talk to him, pour Jager on his grave and throw a Newport 100 on his grave. Eventually I got away from that because I let him go. My dreams of him where few and far between and I began to move on. I still battle with the thought of saying, "o fuck it," and hanging out with them for a few beers. Now all I want to do is say, "o fuck it," and have a few beers with him.

I don't know if he's looking over me or not. I think that he needs to pay attention to his brothers more than me at this point in our lives. But every day I look in the mirror and see that, "14," tattooed on my chest and remember that his death might have prevented the deaths of others. I do not want to preach anything remotely religious but I do believe that his death was a wake up call to others around him who were battling that evil drug heroin.

I might see him again in my dreams or if there is a heaven or hell I may be able to have those beers with him. But as for now I need to stay focused on my life drive myself in the right direction. I will never forget him. I will never forget September 14th. I love you Cory.

Sincerely,

Trevor

Summer Times

What can I say, this summer has been great. I have worked a good amount but I've been given the freedom from my professional and personal life to take off time and do things I've always wanted to do. I saw Johnny Lang, TOOL and Buddy Guy. I missed one concert that could have been a good time but things came up. Working at the bar mainly days has actually been good for me. It gives me a mentality of being grounded yet having the oppourtunities to do things at night like see movies and cold cock people in the face that deserve it. I've also learned who my true and real friends are during certain circumstances.

My blogs I attempt to type are typically fucking up and down as a tricked out ghetto roller coaster bussing kids around at the local carnival run by Hillbillys from Sandwich, IL. There are politics to writing shit and posting it on Fucking Face Fucking Book, so I kind of weave and bob and strike like a coked out Anaconda. I would ultimately like to have my own website where I do what I want to do but that's something in the works. I am certain that I will eventually get that going, but in the meantime I am stuck in ghetto fab world and jabbering on Blogger.

So anyways, this summer has been pretty rawk! I will not state who I had any sexual or non-sexual relations with but I will merely state that this summer has been great. I think getting back to a place I truly enjoy working at is really where my happiness re-erupted. I could say something else that applies here but I will choose a different route and say that my choices made in this exciting life of FILTH have been panning out for me. Kicking the summer off in VEGAS over Memorial Day Weekend was just a goddamn fucking taste of what could have been done. I kept hearing from people about how fast the summer went and I laugh because I believe summer is over when WE decide it is. I know some people have kids or goto school or whatever but if it's 90 degrees out at the end of September I am surely going to be sporting shorts, tees, flip flops and women's shades. Summer is as long or as short as you want it to be. But one too many people keep placing time limits on things, looking forward to the upcoming weekend rather than just enjoying the motherfucking day at hand. Godamn people, I spent a lot of my time in my AC induced house because my allergies left my hobbling around like a one legged Jamacian on a smack fix, at times that is. I was able to get out and do plenty this summer. Every year I want to do more but things pop up and I end up fingering Norwegian girls in the bathroom of Lantern. Eventually we will attack that goal that everyone wants to badly which is a family, golden retriever, 3 bedroom house and a nice lawn mower. But for now enjoy these wonderful fucking days we have. It's so nice to go places and not have to look over your shoulder thinking that your son's math teacher is also at the porn shop looking for BDSM dvd's.